By Mark Mutahi
Following the revelation by Hollywood superstar Angeline Jolie that she has had her breasts surgically removed as a preventative measure against breast cancer, leading surgeons in the country have also confirmed that it is possible to have ‘mouthsectomy’.
This is a surgical procedure in which one’s mouth is removed as a preventative measure against slips of the tongue, backbiting, rumour mongering, backstabbing, making empty campaign promises and emitting bad breath, among others. The new surgical procedure is expected to save thousands of lives, marriages, careers and friendships.
anonymity
Immediately the information became public, jubilation was witnessed in various pubs and bars across the country, mostly by men who avoid going home early allegedly to avoid being nagged by their wives. This was based on the view that if their wives underwent the procedure, they would never be able to speak again, turning verbal warfare into cold war.
“I am even ready to quit drinking, if that is what it will take to save enough for the procedure for my wife as a birthday gift, er, to myself,” confessed a man who sought anonymity due to the sanctions he might face at home if his wife came to find out.
Women were not left alone in jubilation either. It is also understood that the surgical procedure would come in handy for men who talk in their sleep, and in the process mention names of strange women. Men who also can’t keep their mouths shut about how their mother’s cooking is the best, in the presence of their wives, are also in danger of finding themselves on the waiting list of mouthsectomy surgeons, courtesy of their wives.
The surgical procedure will also be beneficial to friendships. If braggarts who keep repeating how their children are more academically gifted and better behaved than their friends’ get the procedure and are consequently shut up forever, it will naturally follow that such friendships will strengthen even more.
insane
Also, if people who can’t keep a secret undergo the procedure, they might realise that their friends are no longer avoiding them. And as for those who are always putting their foot in the mouth, and who are only invited to social events where there is need for embarrassing dinner conversations undergo, mouthsectomy party invites will resume coming their way.
The surgical procedure also promises better inter-family relationships. For instance, if teenager who has just learnt how to talk back at their parents undergo mouthsectomy, this might just hold the family together since they will remain one unit unlike the alternative where the parents are driven insane and have to be put away for attempted murder.
So what inspired the leading surgeons in the country to offer mouthsectomy?
“Well I had this boss who would call us to meetings and he would go on talking for hours and hours like a broken record, boring all of us to death. That’s when it occurred to me I should have my ears removed,” confessed one of the leading proponents of mouthsectomy.
“But then I remembered I hate my boss, so I decided that rather than taking out my hearing organs, the alternative is better — cutting out the leading cause of my migraines: his mouth!” he added.
