John K Kariuki

True to our national obsession with making social statements at every opportunity, the now-institutionalised high table has become the perfect platform for absurdity.

Everything placed and done there is often meant to give the impression of opulence and sophistication. But we could save millions of shillings every weekend by cutting out the vanity of high tables or by at least scaling it down to acceptable levels.

In my social roving, I often get invited to sit at many high tables from where I make my observations. Take it from me that often a quarter of all sodas at a typical function are for the high table. And the handful of VIPs and dignitaries-for-the-day sitting there obviously cannot drink all of them.

While the ordinary person at a function has to fight for his or her particular brand of soda, his or her high table counterpart is spoilt for choice. For the hallowed table sags with all brands of the soft drink. And often there are hawkish hostesses to assist the VIPs in opening and even pouring the drinks into their glasses.

A new addition to the refreshments department is the now common bottles of mineral water with glasses to boot. Often, it doesn’t matter whether there is rain or shine, but bottled water is a must.

Best tablecloths

Like me, you may have seen that the high table is always adorned with the best tablecloths in the village, location or district. A costly bouquet or two are frequently placed on it. The superfluous flowers, wall paper, floor mats, padded seats and electric fans at the high table often eat into the finances of the events’ organisers who could be fundraising for hospital bills!

And if it rains during a function, it is only the tent housing the high table that can withstand the elements. As it happens, most attendees may have to follow the proceedings in the rain.

High table VIPs, their hangers-on and wannabes usually drink real tea with milk while other attendees at the same function do with a thin ‘nylon’ concoction pretending to be tea. Sugar is offered in bowls at the high table but the commoners have no such privileges as their tea is already ‘mixed’.

Likewise, the high table patrons often sip actual fruit juices, freshly squeezed out of real fruits. But commoners make do with commercial squash diluted by a factor of one to hundred, like the hydrogen peroxide we use in mouthwashes.

But the incredulity of the high table reaches the highest point when serving the occupants with food. In a silent social conspiracy, these people are presented with more food than they can finish in one sitting.

Serving bowls and hot pots materialise and crowd the tables with choice dishes. "Kachumbari here, fish fillet, Kentucky chicken, Durban mushrooms, roast lamb ribs. Anybody for halal slaughtered and prepared meat?" a hostess coos.

Forks and knives

At the high table, bewildered people who normally don’t use forks and knives are suddenly given these conveniences, much to their embarrassment.

As I sign off to do some more people watching, please cut out all vanity in the name of a high table. Be real.

— jkariuki1967@yahoo.com