John K Kariuki
Every social event in the village promises to awe keen observer of protocol as the masters of ceremonies (MCs) often break all the rules of etiquette.
They routinely sneak in some sideshows in the official programmes by allowing ‘undesirables’ chances to address the crowds but fail to recognise the presence of notables in the society.
For instance, consider a typical scenario at a burial of a village hero. There are characteristically uncoordinated committees organising the event. The urban relatives and former colleagues at workplace bring along their own clergyman, sophisticated public address system and a seasoned MC.
The village committee will produce seasoned negotiator at most local cases and bridal parties and a purveyor of proverbs in the name of MC. And after brief consultations, a compromise is often reached to allow the village MC run the show. This becomes opportune time to do things his way. Urban visitors keep on glancing at their watch and the gathering rain clouds.
The MC pulls a surprise, especially at the time of taking group pictures. He might bring forth a hitherto unheard of woman and her children in tow for a final photo besides the casket. "This picture is for Mama Joy and her children!" he may say without elaborating, amid startled frowns. But the villagers are adept at filling in such gaps.
Fits and Starts
"We cannot certainly bury the deceased before Bosco says a word," the MC would say after the preacher has done his part and everybody is ready to proceed to the graveside. Then, an inebriated village bum is ushered to eulogise, through rib tickling anecdotes, how he and the deceased played truant in primary school days.
The notables scheduled to speak often do so haphazardly, as they arrive without much care of protocol. Generous substitutions are often made for absentees. Their spouses or assistants take their places. The MC fills in embarrassing voids where there are no speakers, to the horror of the town mourners. And so the event proceeds in fits and starts. Woe unto those that the MC does not like because they will not address the mourners.
At receptions, the local MC recognises the close kin and associates of the hosts and quickly ushers them to the high table. He keeps common villagers far from the invited ‘special’ guests, especially when there are special meals for them. Major protocol and goofs take place here.
Local clergymen, headmasters and councillors are often made to queue up for food in the commoners’ lines — as some MCs over look them — yet the high table may be full of town youths.
Some newly-weds often intervene to have certain notables, unbeknown to the MCs, plucked from the commoners’ food queues and glaring sun to the high table. "These newly-weds are ignorant; they never warned me about you! Ah, blame the youth of nowadays bwana!" the MC may say.
Protocol Aside
At village school meetings, protocol hitches rear their ugly heads again. The area MP may keep time to grace such occasions well ahead of some school committee and board members. But everybody has to go back to speeches again as these school officials trickle in and ‘greet the people’. But this means a dose of local politics that are often not related with the occasion.
To crown their blundering acts, rural MCs have no respect for titles. A preacher’s wife becomes Mrs Bishop and that of the local head teacher, Mrs Headmaster. Apparently, a school has only one mwalimu — the head teacher. The title ‘honourable’ and ‘venerable’ are synonyms and there is no distinction between a priest and a pastor.
Everybody with a little property to show off becomes Mkubwa or boss. The MC does not recognise any other doctor except the medical officer. He never addresses policemen as officers because for him the title solely belongs to inspectors superintendents.
Email: jkariuki1967@yahoo.com
