Smitta Smitten

While the CEO n Real Solo were painting Mayakos red with Gurbinski n the Eastern Dons, n Stevens Muendo-Zimu was ‘yanging’ out in Yatta wit Ken wa Malia (his beers, n hoz), the Smiits waz havin’ a relatively quiet weekend in tha city.

That is until Sunday aftie, when I met the Goethe Direktor Johannes Holsfeld at Simmers, coz like many zoongs, me pal Johannes only knows Simmers in tha CBD.

Simmers, as always, waz weird. I met me thespian homie Cliff Boots (he’s owned this pair o boots he pendas wearing since the late 1990s) n anutha dudeski called Georges who we usedta stay wit’ back in the college dayz in Zimmerman, route 44, with me pal Sly n Patrick ‘Fish’ Wambua. Sly is now a lawyer in Lando, Fish is a big fish in gavaski as a pharmacologist, but George … he is still sponging off beers at Simmers.

Also met an olde cross dresser pal of me called P.B. (for ‘Pretty Boy’), lookin’ resplendent in bright red lipstick that made me think of Boy George.

Johannes n I then made our way to Hooters … to watch the Chelski vs Liverfools game. Johannes is a big Chelski fan, esp of one Ballack Obama, altho’ the usual suspects of the CEO, Kip cop, n veve chewin’ kops like warembo-na-Feroze promptly dubbed him ‘Abramopoor Karanja,’ heh heh. Me Eritrea counter man, manager John, service lasski Caro, Morris the Mukamba n even owner Ali (thanks 4 tha vodoski) all made it house full. I won’t talk much about that game .. after we hurled Hull off the bridge on Wenski nite, tha Liverfool-Chelski game is so much H2O under tha bridge.

But Stellaski Ondimu n her DStv gang passed by this den of footer lions, n gamely joined tha roarin’. O-yoo oooo!

Afta tha game, a beamin’ Sharonova kujad 4 mwah. Why waz she happski? Coz the mamsilla supports the Poodles, n we long agreed ne’er to watch Blue vs Liver show-downs together. This was after the May of oh-seven, seven months after I’d met her, n we were watching Liverpool play AC Milano in tha Champs’ League final. The Poodles had knocked us (Chelski) out in the semis, so I waz a-rootin’ for AC. When Kaka rolled dat last goal in, I got a-laffing so hard me sides almost split. And when I looked up, an angry Sharonova was roaring out of the drive-way of Taidy’s, bila me. Since then, we’ve agreed not to watch our soccer show-downs 2gether, otherwise we’re united in loathing for Man-U, n contempt for Gooners.

Choi, wit’ the olde trio of Jack on tha spin, Kioko servin’ vodoski n Big Ben managing waz sawa, n altho’ rocker buddies like Dr Snoop wain’t there, me great olde friend Marto Oduor, n his babe the Becks, was.

Monday, me main man Makadem launched his Obama Be Thy Name video, n so far, it’s gotten forty thao hits on You Tube, as luvly Barbara Reich at tha Goethe onyeshad me. Rock stars Iron Maiden, in contrast, have gotten near four hundred thao hits for they song ‘Hallowed be thy name,’ but thaz taken ‘em two years. So thumbs up to Makadem, n props to to madame Judy Kibingeski, film mamacita, for her ‘Killer Necklace’ show. Me pal Parsa Kanta tells me it’s the best African shizzle he’s ever seen, n I believe tha dude coz he’s a professional critik, like Oxford trained.

Toosday, then, twaz me boy Pips of Oxygen Media who rolled up offy wit pageant organizer Leakey Odera, n together wi’ colleague Wangari, we rolled ter Nu-Metro, Junction, (met me old mate Kimecks outside, like limericks) 4 Oxygen’s cocktail evening, ter-gether wit’ Pent-Harmony (Belinda n Frida are Pip’s co-convenors for this ‘last Toosday’ cocktail-n-moozik events).

Pent-Harmony is this band that usedta have Kev innit, before he discovered SEMA n tha Power Puff galz called Pam n Sana Sanapei. Y’know, I still remember the first tyme I met lil Keva. It waz back in tha early June of oh-four. I waz drinking bloody Marys at tha exchange bar in tha Stanley (courtesy of Goga-Gola, thank you very much) n lil Kev was hammering shots of .. bamboocha.

"I’m a vir-jo," he tole me proudly.

"I’m Taurus," I sed.

"No! I mean, I’ve ne’er had sex!" he sed.

"Yeah?" I sed, impressed. "Y ever not."

"My schedule is so-oo tight, even at night, I cannot find the tyme for manyake," Kev said (in mid-oh-four, ‘manyake’ was the hit slangski word).

"Y’know," I sed gently, sippin’ me bloody Mary, " Rubs don’t take as long as it does to, say, make a single at Samawati studios. Juala, tu, ndio waitaji."

The Smitta wants ta take the credit for helping Lil’ Kev lose his flower-hood. (Sambaaady say ‘hay-men!’).

But you bet ya pitch uh I wasn’t drinkin’ bluudy Bloody Marys at Junction on Toosday. I was drinkin’ Schweppes-n-liquor cocktails like Whiskey Sour, Brain Wave n Blushin’ Virgins — which have got gin, V&A n’ Johnny Mtembezis in dem.

Den me got a brain wave. Why not just ask me bar kings Paul n Pash to pass me tha Ginger Kamikazes, which are Schweppes with a violent vodoski kick in dem?

So I did. And I lewad wid Giddy Mugandi, Steva n Mike Rewa. I chatted wid me poet lad Terro Samir Khan, lady Gillian o’ USIU n Miss SPS Nikita Wambui. And it waz all verr nice n good, n everyone waz as pleased as punch as we left the Nu-Metro Junction huko ten thate fae on Toosday nite. N talkin’ of junction, me boy OJ Aenea of Makutano is lookin’ for a boy, above sixteen, to molest, heh heh heh. Applications can be made to Box 6 9, Pati pati Nusu Street, Old Metro Junction. Only jokers need apply! Oh, n in today’s ‘Scene At’ toon, we’ve provided leakage to both KCPE (find ‘X’) n KCSE (the other one, yu daft fourth former), courtesy of 4wards from lecturer Joab Mwange of the UoN, who helped set tha exams. For more FREE leakage next week, check out tha same space. Or you can get the leakage by SMS (thate-five bob each) from our fashionista Crystal Okutski.