By Nyambura Maina
My husband lost his job and never told me. For the last five months we have been leaving together for work as usual. He then comes home and spends the rest of the day at home being a couch potato. I never noticed that anything was wrong because he was behaving as normal. The car always had petrol and he would dutifully drop and pick me from work every morning. I only found out because I found the sitting room very untidy recently and I scolded our househelp. She explained to me that she could not clean because ‘mzee’ was using the room the whole day and out of respect she could not ask him to move. I feel so angry that he kept this a secret for that long. We have been married for four years now. How do I trust him anymore if he can hide such important things from me?
Please help.
Betty, Nairobi
It must have come as a complete shock to discover that your husband, with whom you share one roof, managed to deceive you that long. It no doubt puts a strain on your marriage and the trust that binds you together. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, what will your next move be? You cannot change what has happened, so how do you move on from here?
Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. Maybe he chose that course of action because he wanted to fix things by himself without having to make you worry. Regardless of his motives for keeping quiet, your reaction to what has happened is what is important.
Even though you might be feeling infuriated and disappointed, realise that there is a way to get beyond this obstacle by working on it together. How you communicate your feelings is very crucial at this stage. Hurling insults and blame or playing the role of victim will only serve to cause an even bigger rift between the two of you. Complaining to your friends and family will also work against you.
Approaching the issue from a non-judgmental stand will help to open the channels of communication. Express your feelings keeping in mind that no one has control over your feelings but you. In other words, take responsibility for how you feel. This will aid in exploring the different options you have to mend the problem with your husband.
Common counsel
Two heads better than one
Don’t let him get away with it. Force him to tell you why after all those years of marriage he feels he cannot come to you with his problems. Two heads are better than one when solving problems, especially family problems. He needs to grow up and stop behaving like a child who is afraid to confess to his mother that he has broken a window.
Winnie, 36
Fold under pressure
Being the provider of the house has so much pressure. You are expected to carry out your role. I believe he must have a nagging wife and was avoiding unnecessary noise from her by keeping his job loss a secret. Anyway, most of us men prefer to solve our problems by ourselves. If unable to, we turn to our buddies before we go to our wives. Looking helpless in front of your woman is what all men will do anything to avoid.
Ted, 43
Mountain out of a molehill
Restrain yourself from making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Being retrenched or fired is more common than you think. When it happened to my husband I was very worried about what others would say and about our uncertain future. It took a whole year before my husband could find another job. Nowadays, we do not take anything for granted and we always prepare for that rainy day. Forgive him for keeping it a secret and begin planning wisely for the future together.
Rosemary, 51
Misguided philosophy
What you don’t know won’t hurt you. That’s the guy’s philosophy. Unfortunately for him it backfired on him this time. Marriage is a partnership and secrets only harm it. Maybe he will learn to open up to his wife the next time he encounters a problem. The burden becomes less when it is shared and that is more important than saving face in front of his wife.
Simon, 28
Thank God he’s functioning
His job loss might be a serious issue to you but thank God losing a job is not a big deal to your husband. Men who lose their jobs are prone to depression, drug abuse and violence. You are lucky he is still functioning. But he should not be whiling the day away in front of the TV. He should be looking for a job or another opportunity during his free time.
Blicks Oyet, Uganda
Your marriage will survive
Your husband has a reason for not telling you about his job loss. What goes on at his workplace is his business. As long as he is still providing for you there is nothing to worry about. In most cases where the man loses his job and begins to rely on his wife, the marriage will break up. In your case, as long as he continues meeting your needs, your marriage will survive.
Johnny Wafula
Help him back onto his feet
It is all an ego thing. Such matters derail men in very unimaginable ways. When it happens, very few men will have the courage to disclose it to their spouses or family for fear of reproach. But above all, they feel they have failed them when, by societal standards, they are supposed to be the breadwinners.
I suggest you raise the matter with him but do it lovingly. This will help boost his ego and make him talk. Find out the circumstances surrounding his job loss and let him know that you were hurt by his silence. Make him feel that he can always count on you no matter how bad the situation. This way, he will find it easier to communicate his fears, aspirations and encounters. Then both of you should suggest ways you could fill in the financial gap or get him another job. You may have to go out of your way to exercise patience. If he is responsible, he will listen and move on.
Tina, Nairobi
Do you really know him?
Betty, as much as you have been married for four years, I am sorry to tell you your husband is keeping you in the dark on many issues. If he has forgotten to mention a big thing like a job loss, I can assure you there are a thousand small things he has hidden from you. He needs counselling.
Bammuh, Nakuru
