If you always wonder why some God-fearing men long converted the local into an extension of their homes, look no further than Kang’ethe.
Last weekend saw his sons steal his jalopy, which they gassed to Mombasa for the Chris Brown concert. But alas! Kang’ethe’s parking slot had been taken when they returned. Now picture them lifting the neighbour’s car - while high like kites - to park their dad’s rust bucket where it was before he returns!
Kang’ethe came to the local to wet his gills with a bottle of ‘Rotich quarter’ while scratching his head how best to deal with kesi ya wizi wa gari at Kasarani Police Station, where his sons were sharing ‘cell 45’ with a rapist, murder suspect, burglar and a conman who tried selling Jomo Kenyatta’s mausoleum to a Chinese investor.
“People might think I drink because of thirst and pesa zina nisumbua,” explained Kang’ethe while shaking his head, “kumbe ni mashida ya nyumbani.”
Indeed, domestic issues are at times solved by watching a drink get dangerously low when no sot is ‘sufficiently philanthropic’ to throw a helicopter round.
Take Diameter, the political analyst, who ignored the government’s two-child policy, and now has three brats whom he laments are a burden since “wata anza kuniitisha mashamba, na sina hata ka-ploti.”
Diameter is a portrait of why men with parental hair on their chests vegetate at the local.
With three kids, a ‘Miss Mboch’ and the resident nagger-in-chief, Diameter is basically outnumbered and long lost control of the television. He bought one for his bedroom with unintended consequences. The nagger-in-chief accused him of neglecting family time and turning the bedroom into a place of vertical, and not horizontal entertainment.
To please his family, Diameter bought a two-door sports car. Big mistake. They demanded a seven-seater and pulled a boycott on him. It is usually a spectacle to see Diameter’s wife and brood in tow attending church at Queen of Apostles Seminary along Thika Road using a matatu as Diameter follows alone in his yellow Toyota Celica Turbo!
For solace, Diameter’s feet propel him to Wa-Hannah’s, but he still can’t ruin his liver in peace. The nagger calls mouthing, “Unalipa rent ya bar pia, mmmh?.... Unajikunywisha tupombe hapo na bado kumaliza ruracio, mmmmh!?”
