You have a crush on this hot girl but when you express your interest in her, she relegates you to the dreaded corner. So how do you free yourself from this mysterious zone and win her heart? NJOKI CHEGE has heartwarming tips
You held her hand through her recent heartbreak, offered her dating advice when she needed it and gave her a shoulder to lean on but when you professed your true feelings for her, she simply dismissed you saying, "you are ‘just a friend’’.
To make matters worse, she goes on a date with a man she barely knows — a man she met only two weeks ago.
Sounds familiar? The friend zone is when one person in a platonic relationship wishes to enter into a romantic relationship while the other is not interested.
The term ‘friend zone’ was popularised by a 1994 episode of the television sitcom Friends where the character Ross was lovesick for Rachel (Jeniffer Aniston) and was labelled the mayor of the friend zone.
All men, like Ross, will find themselves in a woman’s friend zone at least once in their lifetime. Rejection is heartbreaking, particularly to the lovelorn partner, and it can injure a man’s ego and cause him to act clingy and desperate.
Otieno Olago, a career businessman, knows this too well. Two years ago, he realised he could simply not live without his friend of three years, let’s call her Elsie.
He had watched and helped Elsie through several relationships, most of which ended in heartbreak. He ran errands for her in town when she was busy, and even helped her move house at one time. He had been the friend she needed during the hard times. He soon developed feelings for her, and when he told her, she said they could only be friends. A month later, Elsie was in another relationship. This was Olago’s cue to leave.
"Of course nobody is happy with rejection. After all those years of friendship, I thought I had a chance with her, then said that I could only be friends with her!" says Olago.
So why does a woman throw a man to the friend zone in the first place?
The obvious and common reason is that she is not as attracted to the man as he is to her, and has probably never considered him attractive or with the potential of being in a relationship with him.
Second, the woman could be going through a tough heartbreak, or could have had a bad experience with men and is not ready to be in a relationship. Third, the women could just be too busy to date.
Many men hardly understand these reasons and take the rejection personally, and sometimes vent their anger on the woman. This is when men morph into stalkers or even the woman’s worst enemy.
Rejection is never easy to deal with, but the good news is, you can get over the friends zone by following these easy steps.
Minimise communication
Olago says that as soon as he realised Elsie was never going to accept him, he reduced their communication to a ‘bare minimum’.
Offers Olago: "Clearly, she was not benefiting me in any way since she refused to go out with me. I reduced our communication to just saying ‘hi’ whenever we met in the streets."
The more you interact with the object of your affection, the more love you will feel for her, and the more painful it is because she will not accept you.
So until you feel ready to face her with no bitter feelings, keep your distance and minimise your communication.
Spark some jealousy in her
When she rejects you instead of wallowing in misery, why not change tact. Explore other viable options at your disposal. Simon Njau, an ICT expert says a man should never ever show a woman that she is the ‘only one’.
"She was never yours in the first place, so get over and done with it. Open your eyes and get a prettier woman," advises Njau.
Go out with other women, have fun, and show her that you have moved on. Start approaching other attractive girls and you will be surprised how many are willing to accept your offer.
To boost your ego, you can make sure your object of affection notices that you have a hot catch. That way, she just might have an idea of what she is missing.
Change your appearance
While many women fall for a man because of his personality and character, others are attracted by a man’s appearance. So consider that she possibly rejected you because of your poor appearance.
This is your cue to start making a few adjustments. Hit the gym, change your dressing and embrace a warm personality.
Perhaps if she sees the ‘rebranded you’, she may start seeing you in new light.
Expert opinion
Pastor Kyama Mugambi of Mavuno Church believes that the friend zone is a safe place for everyone except the one who is seriously interested in a relationship.
However, a man interested in a relationship may feel short-changed because the relationship is not materialising. Such a person will find it hard to be satisfied with being in the friend zone.
"I would encourage such a lovelorn man to do his best to back off and give themselves some distance otherwise all interactions will tend to be clouded by their desire for the relationship move forward into dating," says Kyama.
It is also wise to give up chasing that woman with immediate effect, even though this seems almost impossible. This may seem like it is worth the effort but it is often not worth the pain of feeling rejected all the time.
"I think the guy should back off, re-strategise and if he is able to, come back as a friend. If he is not able to come back as a friend then he should zone out!" he says.
While many experts will focus on how to avoid the friend zone, Kyama says men should view the friend zone as an opportunity rather than a challenge.
Most people I know who have thriving dating relationships and great marriages say, "We were friends first before we started dating..."
This means that the friend zone is the best place for a relationship to blossom, says the pastor. Kyama advises women to be gentle but firm when telling the man that she is not interested in a romantic relationship.
Avoid sending him the wrong signals and be consistent in sending signals of a purely platonic relationship.
For example avoid having dates alone with the guy and instead invite him for group activities.
He says: "Coffee alone with him may communicate special interest. Group outings may communicate ‘you are cool enough to be in my circle of friends’ but it also says, ‘I don’t want you too close’.
