Is my teenage daughter a lesbian?

My teenage daughter has changed since joining boarding school. Her father and I felt that it would be better for her to change schools when her grades started suffering in Form Two, last year. Then, she was a day scholar and had many friends, both male and female. When she was home for mid-term, I asked her to bring her new friends over. Watching them relate to each other, I found that my daughter was very ‘touchy feely’ with one of the girls. I questioned her about it and she said that she loves the girl. I did not want to pry further in case I received shocking revelations. Could my daughter be a lesbian? Maybe taking her to boarding school was a wrong decision. How can I make sure she behaves ‘normally’?

Teenage is a time of upheaval and disorientation for children. It is the advent of sexual maturity and the quest for an individual identity. At this time, because of what is going on physically within their bodies, teenagers sometimes find themselves emotionally overwhelmed and may behave in uncharacteristic ways. A pre-teen who was previously polite, obedient and playful, may become secretive, moody and defiant as a teen.

It is a normal occurrence and serves in helping the teenager form his or her identity as an individual, separate from his or her parents and society.

Reports of same-sex relationships flourishing in boarding schools have gained a lot of media attention in the recent past.

It has become a matter that deeply concerns many parents. Keeping in mind that adolescence is a time where a child is still trying to make sense of all the bodily changes, sensations and feelings, it is not uncommon to find a teenager experimenting with their sexual energy.

The shame and guilt associated with sexuality makes it difficult for most teenagers to use this energy safely and wisely. Lacking accommodative and accepting adult guidance, most teens resort to doing things in secret, much to their detriment.

Avoiding the issue of your child’s sexuality means that your daughter will find it tough to approach you and be free with you.

Make the first step by opening the channels of communication with your daughter. Getting shocked and horrified does not help to solve matters and will not build rapport with your daughter.

Teenagers are exposed to a myriad of things today, especially through the media. If sexuality is not addressed in the home, then the teenager will get his or her answers elsewhere.

Share your values on the issue without demanding that your child chooses the same.

Allow your child the space to discover who and what they want to become. Be accommodating and willing to discuss matters rather than insisting that the child conform to your way of thinking. Guidance does not have to be domineering in this regard. Eventually, your daughter will come to terms with the changes experienced in adolescence.

Common counsel

Eyes and ears on alert

I have attended many PTA (parents and teachers association) meetings at my 14-year-old daughter’s school because of this issue. It is a matter of grave concern that this kind of behaviour is going on unchecked in many boarding schools. During one of the meetings, we came up with solutions that we see already producing results.

The main aim is to remove and stop opportunities for this behaviour. Matrons are assigned to different dorms and work together with prefects to ensure this does not go on.

It has even been suggested that CCTV surveillance be installed to catch offenders red-handed, though costs are restrictive. Follow suit and you will see results.

Beth Kamande

Firm hand is needed

That sounds like typical rebellious teenage behaviour. Sometimes teenagers like to torment their parents just to see what kind of reaction their behaviour will elicit. Keep a firm hand with your children at home and ask the school to instil better discipline. She will soon grow out of this behaviour when she becomes an adult.

Cyrus, 53

Quick to forget

It is just like a parent to draw conclusions too fast about teenagers. Parents don’t listen to their children. Instead, they gather stories from media and school authorities about behaviour and generalise it to all children including their own. It is difficult to communicate with a parent who is so quick to panic and think the worst.

Parents need to remember that they were once teenagers with the same hardships facing us today.

Natasha, 19

Open to discussion

One’s sexual orientation is a private decision. The school administration and you as a parent cannot force your child to love members of the opposite sex if she doesn’t want to.

It is equally wrong to label her as ‘abnormal’ because that says to her that as long as she is herself, she is not worthy of love and acceptance. Magdalene, being a parent means having unconditional love for your child. Be open to discussing matters with your teenager instead of sticking your head in the sand.

Louise, 37

Leave room for discovery

Teenagers are exposed to a lot today and as a result, deal with issues in a less conservative way than their parents. Don’t smother your daughter and make her feel there is something wrong with her. Be happy that if she is experimenting sexually, at least she is doing so with other girls and not with boys who can get her pregnant and give her a sexually transmitted infection. Give her room to discover herself. It is a normal part of growing up.

Maurice, 28

Give the ‘birds and bees’ talk

Your daughter may or may not be involved in a same-sex relationship. Magdalene, be a friend rather than a bodyguard and get her to open up. Create time and go out together to have a girl talk about boys and men. Tell her how to relate with them and what to avoid.

When girls join boarding schools they find ‘mentors’ who promise to be there for them and naive girls fall into the trap. As parents, we have a big problem talking to our children, especially about sex.

Experts on sexuality say we should start to talk to a child about it when the child is about 10. Magdalene, please don’t let fear take control of you as your daughter earns a curse from God.

Jane Ndule

Withdraw her from school

Your husband and you should embark on a number of corrective measures. The girl should be withdrawn from the boarding school as this could be the genesis of this fishy behaviour.

Your efforts as parents coupled with those of professional counsellors could actually bear fruits. Meanwhile, close monitoring should be carried out to note if there is any improvement. Taking her to a mixed school may not be a better option — she could be influenced more or could influence other young girls into this vice. My deepest sympathy to your family.

Tollo Charles J, 18

Next week’s agony

I have been married for five years and my husband and I have two children, aged four and two. My last born still sleeps in our bed and is very clingy with me. My other child is more independent and socialises well at school. My husband complains that we are no longer intimate because our son sleeps with us. My son was born premature and I am overly attached to him because of that. My husband is an honest and patient man but I see his frustration when he comes home at night. When he tries to be romantic I refuse his advances because I am too tired from taking care of my son. Am I jeopardising my marriage?

Peninah, Lang’ata

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