Mature woman cleaning. [PHOTO: ISTOCK]

 ‘Miss Mboch’ - the super human of the house who can clean, cook, feed the baby and even spare time to flirt with the guards and sit down for a 10-hour marathon of Naija movies – comes in all shapes, sizes, complexions and temperaments. While she’s useful in helping mostly mothers who are corporate types, business honchos, as well as ordinary housewives, she can drive you up the wall with her world view which has been limited by geography since childhood. She’s mostly clueless how to operate and handle electrical and electronic appliances and will deal with your precious children like they’re her villagemates. Here are the types of house managers you are likely to run into.

1. The shags-modo

 These are clueless house helps used to waking up to the sight of bananas in the morning and have no idea how the real world works. They ask the dumbest questions and cannot tell the difference between a broom and a toothbrush. They think a plasma is a heart machine and you might leave them with mtungi ya gas only to return home to a black heap where your bedroom once was!

 2. The bride of Christ

 They listen to gospel music and will call out the name of Jesus and all Ugandan martyrs when washing sticky sufuria ya ugali. They get their off-days on Sundays and always give you a dagger look when you force them to open  beer bottles for thirsty visitors. God forbid if you watch Sauti Sol’s Melanin song hadharani!

 3. The poko  

They have deflowered all the young watchmen in the hood and have set their sights on the shamba boy. All that barely a month since setting foot into your house, where they wriggle their butts while washing floors when hubby is around. You’ll also soon realise that they serve the man of the house tea while wearing braless T-shirts that accentuate their ‘rigor mortis’ saa sita tits!

 4. The co-wife

They’re polite, their cooking is Top Chef quality, are respectful, and so humble. They treat your hubby like a small god and are a toehold away from being second wife, which they eventually become when you bring nyoko nyoko! 

 5. The niece   

They come from the side of your mother in remote Ndundori village, where meals comprise githeri with two beans and a gunia of white maize. She was a gift from your auntie when you gave birth, but has gradually grown horns and you can’t call the wazee or police on them…as they know most of your family secrets!

 6. The discipline master  

 They beat your resident brats like emergency doors for not finishing the bad food they have prepared for seven hours. Your kids fear them more than your hubby who is in the army!    

 7. The dot com 

They know the latest Naija film stars and often experiment with makeup and baby powder with such disastrous results, they end up resembling the cast of a low-budget horror movie. These lazy bums  have drawn eyebrows and always smell of Cobra perfume. They are also on TikTok.

 8. The mucene FM   

These are the 4-1-1 of the hood and know which mang’aa wife was twangwad like a golf ball last night, and which schoolgirl was ‘paged’ by the ‘disabled’ one-eyed watchman.  They can even tell you the time, date and place of conception. They are great entertainers with their juicy gossip which is how they entertain others with your stories. 

 9. The kauzi   

 They are great with the kids and amazing cooks. The kitchen is always spick and span and laundry is every clean and well-pressed. But they have itchy fingers and will always steal stuff, ranging from your G-strings, kamisi, biker to that horrendous ‘Mother’s Union’ underwear! 

 10. The liar

These pathological liars will give false information even when it’s more profitable to tell the truth and shame the devil. They will tell you their grandma was knocked down by a tuk-tuk when in fact it’s her aged and last tooth at the back of her mouth that eventually gave in to uzee and fell off.