The daft boss everyone would love to have

The following is a managing director’s appraisal memo of his top managers since mid-June this year, based on his personal interaction with the workers.

“It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Thursday, June 12. I’m not sure what’s going on, but please be assured that I’m monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or sack employees who aren’t pulling their own weight.

For the company to be successful, it’s important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I’m pleased to recognise.

John Tumbo, Human Resources Manager: I was walking past John’s office and heard him and several employees shouting, “Goal! Goal! Goal!”

When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals.

Without goals

I have nominated each of them for our employee of the Month Award. It’s important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, “Without goals, our team will lose.” I believe him.

Carlos Mzee, Sales and Distribution Manager: Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn’t come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis.

The illness affects patients for at least a month and there’s a chance of relapse every four years. As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long.

Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. “I’ll come to work, boss,” he said. “The illness isn’t contagious. I just need to get 90 minutes of rest a few times every 24 hours.” What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.

Duncan Farai, Product Design Manager: As of Friday, Farai is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home).

He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts in the office.

Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, “Brazil 3, Croatia 1.” I asked him about it and he said, “That’s the number of customers we have in each country.” I was extremely pleased. I didn’t realize we had a customer in both Brazil and Croatia.

World Cup

I am nominating Farai for our Innovative Spirit Award.

Hans Chunga, Advertising Manager: Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at our club’s Sports Bar.

I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called “World Cup”. He told me it’s an acronym he’s using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.

Ming Yu, Technology Manager: I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he’s testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business. Keep it up folks.

Regards, Jack Pesa, Managing Director