Husband set me up for a foursome

My husband had always insisted that we go for a sleepover at his best friend’s place. We recently went and I retired to bed earlier than everyone. I woke up later and found him making love to his friend’s wife in the presence of her husband. I was so traumatised since it appeared to have been going on for long and I don’t know what to do. I think the plan was to have a foursome but I am not the kind to do that and my husband knows it. Is it unreasonable for me to want to leave him ? I also wonder if his friend and wife consider this as infidelity. Please advice me. I am stressed. {Anne}

Your take:

His friend does not consider this as infidelity; they have been doing this for a long time. Your husband also wanted his friend to make love to you just like he did to her. The best you can do is to tell him the consequences of this — divorce or STDs like HIV and Aids. If he is not ready to change, pack your bags and leave.

You need to find out why he is doing this and not jump into conclusions. I always believe in dialogue so try it and you may find the answer right there.

{Vincent Ochieng}

If you want to see the future, study the past. In your husband’s case, once a player, always a player. Those people are emotionally immature and not serious about marriage. If I were you I wouldn’t have sex with him until he is cleared of any STDs. Forgiving him is your choice.

{Selma Mashedi}

What are you doing with an unfaithful partner? There are men out there who don’t act like dogs. He is not the man you thought he was. I am wondering if he even bothered to use a condom — to me that is just gross and I wouldn’t stand it.

{Roselyn Muthoni}

I’m in the same situation. He told me it is his greatest fantasy but I refused to accept it. I know he will do it anyway, without me. It is against my principles to share my man. Stick to your guns. That is not love.

{Lillian Nzalu}

How can you live with a man who does this to you? He should stop such stupid acts and if he does not stop seeking satisfaction elsewhere, look for someone who will appreciate you.

{Steven Evans}

Don’t worry much about this. Talk to him to find out what interests him in his friend’s wife. I advise you to stay with him but he should first confess and apologise. Try to help him through this before resorting to divorce.

{James Mate}

I encourage you to try and help him instead of leaving him. It is always better to face your problems rather than run from them. It appears they have been watching pornography and they wanted to try out a threesome or even four-some. The other woman has also been watching those films and is not wife material. If you love him try and help him out and continue showing him love — this may change him into a responsible man.

{Ogara George}

I sympathise with you about this because this is infidelity and you have enough reason to quit this marriage. Talk to him and get to understand why he did this. If they have been doing this for long, just call it quits.

{Kigen D.}

Your marriage is in really bad shape. With such behaviour, there is no reason for sticking to that marriage. Run before you get some bad diseases from his sickening habits.

{Fred Auko}

My take:

Yes, all your instincts are right; the plan was to have a foursome; it has been going on for long and it is not unreasonable of you to want out. Leaving your husband, however, is only one of the options.

Many times marriage requires that we hang in there even when things get uncomfortable, in the hope that they will get better.

Growing trends

People are developing ‘unnatural’ sexual fantasies and working so hard to fulfil them. If walls could talk, we would be shocked at the kind of things that happen behind closed doors.

‘Normal’ sex is being termed as boring and people’s desires have shifted to the edge. Sexual fantasies come in many forms; swinging, double dating, orgies, recorded sex, incest, homosexuality, bestiality — the list is endless!

Double-date sexual arrangements involve people who are well known to each other.

They meet and switch partners. Many times the participants perform alongside each other and it is believed that observing your partner in the act with someone else will increase the sexual tension.

This could have been your husband’s thinking as he planned this.

To forgive or not to forgive

Many times when we catch a cheating spouse, the million-dollar question is whether we should leave.

In your case, your husband did not consider it cheating because he intended to involve you.

You did not mention if he apologised or not but I suspect he has not seen any need to.

For now, the best option would be to forgive and try to live with it. You must point out in no uncertain terms that you do not condone or approve of it and that if he cares about you, he should change.

Is all lost?

No, all is not lost; sometimes if you can’t beat them, join them! It sounds like a mean thing to say, but this is going to go on with or without you.

However, if he insists on you participating, you should also make your own demands: You may pick on a hot single guy and propose that both of you invite him over for a three-some with your husband and then see his reaction. He might just realise that it will hurt him as much as his changing partners hurts you. You will have beaten his argument and he will reflect on how far he should go to fulfil his unusual fantasies.

{Taurus}