By Smitta Smitten
'King of Paps' Steve Muendoz in his Monday Blues wondered out loud whether Amerikan hip-hopper Eve is a Satanist because of her golden skull n downside crucifix chains, and the 'eye' ring she wore on her hand.
A lotta peeps have also sed Jay Z, Rihanna and Kanye West belong to the Illuminati, n dat Lady Gaga worshipz demons.
This is all verryy shagzmodos!
The same argument raged in rock circles in the 1970s. But now all is quite quiet on the rock-o-front. In the spirit of ‘rock-tober,’ however, the Smitta feels compelled to explain a few of these ikonik mysteries to y’all.
‘Heavy metal’ actually refers to the chains miro slaves vaa-ad as accessories wen they were rocking the plantations. They’d wail n cry in rage n despair, n dat created the genre of musik. Also called ‘Death metal.’
So wen rockers n Eve wear skull stuff, it is a symbol of all the slaves who kufad workin’ the panama plantations of State-o!
Having rejected Xtianity as the religion of the oppressors, the upside down cross became a symbol of the rejection of the white man’s beliefs. Can yu blame ‘em?
These rebel blacks also amuad dat since the white slaver wanted em as timid as sheep as they plowed the fields, they’d side with the biblical goats n not be ‘kondoo wa mzungu’.
The rock hand sign of two fingers, \/, are so called the ‘sign of the goat’ (or ‘Baphometh).
The first two rock stars, Chuck Berry n Lil Richard, were black in the 1950s. But along came Elvis Presley n the whiteys stole ‘rock n roll’ from us miros.
That ‘eye’ ring is the ‘all seeing eye of Osiris’ from ancient Egyptology. If yu think dats pagan, it may interest yu to know that Xtianity borrowed the concept of an omniscient God directly from Osiris.
Be4 I begin sounding like my peeps Philip Ochieng, lemme tell yu about a rocktober bash I went to recently at Hidden Agenda, Sarit Centre, at the invite-a-shon of Pulse editor CEO.
Twas the birthday of Hidden Agenda manager Wayne ‘Wonder’ Fernandez. N once me n the Sharonova rolled in there round about 8pm to the thud, drums n guitar riffs of local rock band Parking Lot Grass ( lots better than Murphy’s Law, oh, Mafi ya Kuku’s Flow, oh, Murphy’s Flaw), the vodoski waz on the flow.
Not the kawaida UDV shiznit but Red Square, a real Muscovy vodoski, wit Liverpool flava, imported from Chile. Yu confused yet, coz all this soundz like ile Uefa of small letters where teamz play in every pit latrine in lil Europe.
Me too. But dnt sweat it. Just jua dat Red Square taste real neat, n not like some local vodoskis dat taste like Lenin’s urine.
The four guys of Parking Lot Grass were also tearing the Hidden Agenda up wit their guitars, cool keyboard Dre, drummer n the lead singer who worked the mike like a mad Mickey.
Claire of SG ‘Marketing’ checked into the scene. I dint know the luvlee lassie was such a rock-n-roller, and into the ‘PLG’ scenario like whoa.
As the leadie asked the krowd to ‘listen to the words’, the Sha went to the moti to get her ‘blak-berry’ to record the live scene, so missed the two cool chickas tearing it up on the Hidden Agenda floor.
There waz an ‘MJ’ tribute by the band — ‘Give it to Me’ n ‘Smooth Criminal’. I sadly drank Red Square as I remembered the sad loss of dat genius, who as the trial rolls on, on Sky, we learnt he could hav been the first dude ever to die of ‘anaesthesia’ overdose.
On screen, we saw Man City’s Carlos Tevez in an old match. On our sofa, a chicka called Mildred Otieno joined us. Offered her Red Square, but she settled for white wine.
Wayne Wonder’s cake passed by in a flurry of lil flamey candles. (You’re now on six six six-th word in this piece, dude/ette). I took the mike to make a birthday toast to the wonderful dude, n sang: "The right to party is battle we have fought. So we’ll surrender and become Amish … not! Monkeys will grow wings n fly outta our butts; and if yu don’t like it yur a sphincter, boy. Wayne’s world, Wayne’s world, it’s party tyme, it’s excellent…"
The crao at Hidden Agenda stared at me like imma retard. Damn! How can yu be a rocker, n not know ‘Wayne’s World’??
But I waz better than Noah ‘Bila Balls’ Muga who thought Parking lot grass waz chokoras sellin weed outside motis n Sarit.
Along wit him came the usual cool suspects — CEO, Ash of Mash, Kris Kims (in his designer swag), the rasta French Boy n Real Solo, who promptly cleared like a quarter of my Red Square vodo.
"Team Vodoski re-united," he smiled, as I desperately eyed Red Square becoming smaller. The song Such a Lonely Day waz on play by the Parking Lot Grass. I wanted to dance, but Real Solo waz still waayy too close to my vodoski. So after tucking Red Square into da Sharonova’s monster handbag, I wenta dance.
Btw, talking Red Square n Lenin, did I ever tell yu about this weird pub in St Petersburg called ‘Lenin’s Mating Call’? No? Well, they had lil tee-vees on da wall dat alternated flashing colour images n wails of porn, wit loud hectoring speeches by Communists like Lenin, Stalin, Trotsky n Nikita Krushchev. Dat waz possibly the coolest pub I ever been too in me whole god-darn life.
I joined Ash & Co on the outer court of Hidden Agenda n got da Sha a ‘bikini rocket’ — a pink drink dat looked like Checheslavia’s cough syrup, n imma shore tasted like it.
We got served by nice Festus Mutua n Ash promised me a ‘bachelor bash’ (as has me best mate, magistrate Martin Oduor) — bikini car wash in Las Naivegas (thaz ‘Naivasha’ 4 any jackass who donno dat). Now, dat rocks.
Insteada watchin Chelski vs Valencia, tha consensus waz to watch the Arses struggle against Olympiakos. Timu ndogo, baba! Twas time to rock, roll n split.
So we did, just like that.
