NANCY NJAGI-MBITHI takes us through the different phases of love in marriage - from infatuated honeymoon love to the true and deep love that has weathered the storms
There are cycles of love within a marriage. One day, a couple is happily married but sooner or later, they are on each other’s necks to the point of questioning why they even thought of marriage.
Soon after that they are back to saying how they can’t do without each other.
Fulton Sheen, as discussed by Charles and Victoria Amulega in their book, Solving Problems Occurring Early in Marriage, puts some perspective to this craze by explaining the three stages of love in marriage.
1. The infra-human stage or the domination of the body over the soul
Some have called it the infatuation or honeymoon stage. All marriages go through this stage. It is characterised by a time of joy, ecstasy and happiness, in which the spouses have no doubt that they have discovered the best thing ever created for man; marriage.
The couple exchange gifts, go on trips, attend events together and identify common interests, which they enjoy together.
The husband is "the best man ever created in the face of the earth" and the wife is "an angel".
Most young couples assume that this stage will last forever but that’s not the reality of life.
This stage reinforces the great personality traits in each spouse and plays a critical role in preparing the couple for the responsibilities and challenges that may come with the other stages.
2. The crisis stage
If a couple successfully sails through this stage, their chances of sailing through marriage are great.
The challenge in marriages today is couples that are not willing to stick it out through the crisis stage. They are always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side only to find out that this grass will also dry out.
The crisis stage begins when the spouses see the not so great personality traits of each other. The crisis is deepened when they discover that their spouse is not who they said they were or does not think like them. Feelings of loneliness and disillusionment are common.
Many marriages collapse at this stage because spouses are not willing to stay together long enough to know one another and come up with ways of solving the crisis. Divorce, re-marriage or separation happens when couples are not able to sail through this stage.
A husband and wife may also devote their time to work, alcohol or any other thing that will help them forget the crisis. This pulls them further apart.
The Amulega’s are quick to point out that a true and lasting love is within reach if a couple is willing to put individual self-centredness and selfishness aside.
3. Long lasting love
The third stage borrows from the two stages above. It utilises the crisis to create a stage of love that is long lasting. The couple begins to appreciate each other’s personality traits and are able to enjoy each other’s company despite these personality differences, and they complement each other. This is where ‘the real marriage’ is found.
The joy and love is now real and deeper. The task in marriage should, therefore, be to attain deep and real love. My desire is that more and more marriages will get to this stage of real fulfilment.
