By Nancy Njagi-Mbithi

Passive aggression has been referred to as emotional manipulation. It is further described as a way of behaving that seeks to manipulate others indirectly and resist their demands rather than confronting or opposing them directly.

Say for instance, a woman is angry with her husband. Instead of confronting him and talking about it, she goes home early and proceeds to cook a meal she knows he will not enjoy. She is being passive by doing something subtle and not telling him what she feels, but aggressively pushing him to the wall by preparing a meal he will detest.

Either the husband or the wife can portray this kind of behaviour; however, due to public demand, let me bring out the passive aggressive man.

Characteristics

• He shows little consideration for the time, feelings, standards or needs of others unless it fits his agenda. To him, the woman is to be used as a means to an end.

• He will stand in the way of the woman getting what she needs and will then ignore or minimise her hurt feelings.

• He does not know how to compromise in a relationship and when faced with a demand for compromise, he will give the silent treatment.

• He may be a workaholic, a womaniser, hooked on television, caught in addictions or self-involved in getting his needs met and not facing his fears.

• He is angry where he should not be and not angry where he should be.

• He manipulates people with kindness, makes excuses for those who deserve no excuses and is angry at those who have done nothing to hurt him, especially his wife and children.

• He is a master manipulator in getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him.

• This is the man who when caught cheating by his wife, is talented at getting her to fall for apologies, excuses and charm rather than have her deal with the issue directly. He then blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineffectiveness as a husband.

• He may give in to his wife’s demand and clean up his act for a few weeks after he is caught, then after that he goes back to business as usual.

• He never follows through on agreements and promises.

• He will dodge responsibility while making it look like he is the best husband.

Dealing with a passive aggressive husband

Though it is difficult to be partners with a passive agressive man, there are things you can do to break through his lack of involvement:

1. The man must be willing to acknowledge his weaknesses through counselling.

2. The wife must be direct while expressing her feelings. She must observe her behaviour so she does not play the game for the master manipulator.

3. The woman should remain realistic in her expectations of the changes she expects so as not to demand more than the man can or is willing to give.

4. The woman should set firm limits on what she can tolerate.

5. The wife’s role is to bring back sanity in communication. She should use messages that begin with "I" when expressing feelings of disappointment.

6. The woman should muster courage and say positive things to the man. Such words will de-escalate the tension.

7. The wife must also build her own reserve of self-esteem by constant self-reassurance and doing things she likes.

8. The wife must work at being compassionate and not aggressive remembering that the children are watching.