Emotional divorce: Apart, together

Marriage is supposed to be the place you connect emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually. Well, not always as emotional divorce now become more common in marriages, writes Njoki Chege

A morning radio conversation on a controversial radio talk show revealed shocking details of the state of some marriages in Kenya. People called in, talking about how they have detached themselves from their marriages and relationships, although they were still physically together with their partners.

You would wish to assume that all this are fallacies and tall-tales, but the sad reality is that emotional divorce is here with us, and in more marriages than we could ever care to admit.

Emotional divorce is best described as a situation where couples separate their emotions from their relationship and generally live as two separate people in different worlds, albeit being in a marriage institution.

According to Dr Gidraph Wairire, a sociology lecturer at the University of Nairobi, emotional divorce is marked with a lot of uncertainty and falsehood.

Getting there

He says: “Couples in such relationships will do things together, pretend all is well, but inwardly, they both know they are not connected, but are not willing to publicly call it quits,”

Emotional divorce, Wairire notes, is a climax of a series of events, a culmination of frustration and disappointment from unfulfilling relationships. But this situation is not only brought about by frustrations and a bag of disappointment, external inferences and a negative perception of your spouse could land you in this ditch.

“External inferences emanate from suspicions. What we hear from other people about our partners and one is unable to ascertain such allegations,” he says.

Many married couples will confess that their partner has changed over the years and “Is not the person I married”.

Jennifer Karina, a motivational speaker and author of the book Marriage Built to Last reckons that unresolved conflict is heavily implicated in emotional divorce.

Resentment

“Couples hold grudges against each other, to the level of resentment and deep anger towards each other,” she notes.

This resentment, she notes, crystallises into deep hatred and sometimes, could be even life threatening.

Common tell-tale signs are general unhappiness and emotional burnout. You don’t look forward to seeing your partner at the end of the day or a long trip. You no longer do the things you used to do together; and when you do it, it is merely for a public show. You live miles apart under the excuse of ‘work’ and sleep in separate rooms… sounds familiar?

Mostly, you will not refer to your partner as your partner, but merely “Him”, “Her” or “Baba/ Mama watoto”.

As Karina explains, couples at this level do not find common ground; neither do they enjoy intimacy.

“Relationships are generally built on intimacy at different levels such as intellectual, recreational, spiritual, social, physical… In the absence of this intimacy, a relationship withers and dies. It takes time, and you hardly notice it,” she says.

Every married person will attest to this; every marriage has it own unique challenges, ranging from issues of trust, to finances, to small and sometimes trivial things. Conflict is, therefore, inevitable, but how you get through it boils down to how you resolve it. If you choose to let things lying down, and let grudges build up, chances are your marriage is headed south.

And emotional divorce gets worse; it is translated to your actions. Couples begin to think vengeance, instead of forgiveness. They play out different scenes of revenge in their minds, and eventually slip into hopelessness and sadness. Such couples live a lie, year in year out; they live a fantasy of life without the other, and fail to enjoy the present.

The most unfortunate bit is, the children bear the brunt of it all, as they are the primary victims of this volcanoes waiting to erupt. Young as they may be, you can be assured that they can feel the coldness and distance between you two.

Solution

Dr Wairire and Karina agree that the first step out of emotional divorce is first accepting that you have a problem.

“Admit all is not well in order to open a door to seek help and pave way for healing. Seek professional help in the form of a marriage counsellor, a mentor or a couple you look up to. You need to realise, you are not alone in this,” says Dr Wairire.

But admitting the issue and seeking help is just the tip of the iceberg, you’ve got to get deeper into that iceberg, and deal with what landed you in that ditch in the first place.

“Deal with the underlying issues, the unresolved conflict and most have to do with issues of trust,” Karina asserts.

When all is said and done, and you still cannot face your partner in the face and feel your heart warmed, physical divorce should be the last resort. Just do yourself a favour and call it quits, this time, physically, publicly and finally.

“Physical divorce could be an answer. It is better to be completely out than tolerate cruelty and physical harm. Giving it a final break may seem radical, but it may work as a last resort,” Dr Wairire advises.