By Brenda Kageni
Every week somewhere in Kenya, there is a couple being joined in holy matrimony. Lately, weekdays have also become popular for wedding ceremonies perhaps because couples can enjoy a reduced number of gatecrashers and the headache of securing church and reception venues that is common with weekends. Even without counting the many couples that skip the formalities of public declaration of love by quietly moving in together, it is quite clear that marriage still holds its allure. Yet despite this, marriages are crumbling left right and centre and jokes on unhappy marriages take the bulk of those circulating on the Internet. So real is this that in mid April last year, an Australian men’s magazine ran a competition for its readers with free divorce as the prize. The Sh600,000 prize money would among other things cater for lawyer’s fees, court costs, a divorce party, a cleaner for two months and a plasma TV. According to the magazine’s editor Mr Paul Merril, the competition was the perfect way for a reader to "win back their freedom". The experts Said he: "If a marriage fails, it’s sad, but what’s sadder is being stuck under the same roof to a woman who’s just slept with your best mate". Societal changes and expectations can be blamed for the gradual erosion of faith in the institution. But Gladys Mwiti, CEO, Oasis Africa, feels there is still hope in the institution if only people took their vows seriously and entered into it convinced that it was a life union. "When two people enter marriage with the mindset that they can get out whenever they want, they tend to make very poor investments into a marriage. The right mindset should be that ‘I am in this for good’. If you know you are in something for keeps, you do not divorce yourself from it. Look at a child for example. You cannot divorce yourself from your child, whether in good or bad times," she says. Lucy Kiathe, a counsellor with Amani Counselling Centre on the other hand, believes that the younger generation is not committed to marriage mainly because of an increasing awareness that they deserve more than they are getting. "They also feel that they have options, especially to opt out," says Kiathe. "Besides, there is increased cultural and social support for those who choose divorce." Marriages no longer priority When marriage ceases to be a priority, then needs go unmet. In a training she once held for senior women in various industries, Mwiti asked them to list their priorities in life in the order they valued them. Surprisingly, husbands ranked eighth on average. What’s more, none of them was willing to put in their marriage the same effort they did to their jobs and careers, so that it would be a success. "At work when you are not performing, you get a job coach, go back to school and take extra lessons. Why are we not ready to invest the same to make our marriages work?" she poses. Infidelity, in-laws, lack of intimacy, imbalance in commitment, children rank high on the list of reasons people give for taking the final break. Unrealistic and more often non-communicated expectations are among the biggest culprit. Author Nancy van Pelt in her book, Highly Effective Marriage says, "The desire to marry has changed little but the expectation of what marriage can provide have changed greatly. The only way to achieve these high expectations is through the use of communication and conflict management skills… marital happiness has little to do with whom you marry and everything to do with how you cope with conflict." The common thing with marriages that break is dissatisfaction with the way things are. Sometimes the break is prompted by the arrival of the first child; other times the onset of adolescence, but most times the departure of children when the parents discover they have to face each other. Kiathe recommends a minimum of five, one-hour professional counselling sessions, each with a one-week break to allow the couple to think through the sessions. "Couples condemn everyone but themselves when things go wrong. The buck stops with you; go into marriage prepared." For Mwiti, the reasons people give for marriage breakage are often symptoms rather than the causes. She says one cause for marriage breakages is inappropriate and inadequate preparation. "Most marriages start surviving in the planning process when people skimp on adequate courting and proper premarital counselling. Marriage is an institution that challenges all our skills. You cannot harvest before planting," she says. The planning phase enables a couple understand each other’s expectations and goals and enlightens them on what makes marriage work. Stay informed. Subscribe to our newsletter According to author Frank F Harley, a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist, building or rebuilding a marriage, takes both partners being aware of each other’s need and learning to meet them. Failure to meet these needs causes frustration in one partner, which may lead to their wanting to meet the need elsewhere. "More frequently, marital break-ups occur when one or both partners lack the skills or awareness to meet each other’s needs. More often than not, being right or wrong for someone depends not on some mysterious compatibility quotient, but on how willing and able you are to meet that someone’s needs," writes Harley. These needs, Harley notes are very different for men and women and the trick is in learning to meet needs you may not appreciate yourself. Harley categorises a man’s five most basic needs in marriage as follows: 1. Sexual fulfilment 2. Recreational companion ship 3. An attractive spouse 4. Domestic support 5. Admiration Woman’s 1. Affection 2. Conversation 3. Honesty and openness 4. Financial support 5. Family commitment "In marriages that fail to meet these needs, I have seen, strikingly and alarmingly, how consistently married people choose the same pattern to satisfy their unmet needs: the extramarital affair. Once a spouse lacks fulfilment of any five needs, it creates a thirst that must be quenched," writes Harley. Making marriage work From the number of failed or unhappy marriages that surround us, it is obvious that successful unions do not just happen. Being in love, holding the ceremony and living under the same roof is no guard against a break-up. Two people who are genuinely interested in seeing their marriage succeed and who are willing to work hard at it, make successful marriages. More than one’s career, class-work or hobby, marriage requires loads of intentional input — time, patience, practice, understanding and even a little sweat — and that is a lot of hard work. At times, just like your job, it will require outside help from a consultant. Mwiti says that everyone needs to do their bit rather than wait for the other to do theirs first. "Just because someone is not doing his or her bit in the office you do not stop doing yours," she says. Marriage is not a 50/50 give-and-take situation, she warns. "Enter into marriage to give instead of receiving." And what if the other person is not doing their bit? "What kills marriage is frustration. When you do what you are supposed to do without strings attached and leave it at that, even when the other person does not do their bit, you are alright," she says adding that marriage is like an interlinked system. "Each of us is a complete system. When we concentrate on shifting our system all the other systems will have to shift as well. When you give better, you get better." Mwiti says enjoying the marriage is a choice that every person can make. "Choose love, peace happiness and all the time do your part. God is available to give us resources to help us do our side of the job." Resolving conflict first by clearly communicating the problem then if necessary seeking the help of a counsellor too helps. Mwiti advices couples to talk to each other early in the relationship rather than letting the physical intimacy overwhelm their communication. "A marriage is not just a physical union. It is a mental, spiritual and relational union. The physical wears out very fast." Senior Pastor Philip Kitoto of the International Christian Centre says divorce is never an option to a failing marriage. He says: "When issues are left unresolved for a long time, they create bitterness and anger that hinders a healthy exchange between couples. A couple that is already faced with unresolved issues should first, agree they have a problem and that they need help; second, they need to look for a counsellor that they both have faith in; three, they should commit to the process of reconciliation. The truth in marriage is that, couples who work at issues together tend to enjoy their marriage more." Other keys to a divorce free marriage are: Start with the end in mind — Ask for instance: Is this the person I would like to age with? Protecting the marriage — establish healthy boundaries on how far you should let friends, relatives and children to be involved in the marriage. Purity, trust, and faithfulness are also part of protecting a marriage. Prioritising your marriage — After God, your spouse should be the most important living person to you, not your work, not your children. Humility and respect for each other Individual growth and development — A continuous growth in all spheres from dressing to the intellectual level will keep the relationship vibrant. Pooling together in the same direction — This involves less and less secrets between a couple and having common values on children, money, honesty, fidelity, and putting family before work. Community — Every marriage requires a social support network. Marriages that survive use people a lot. Do not isolate your marriage. Join people who are interested to see you move on. Put God First — If you have God in your marriage, your marriage can endure anything. Marriage should be a commitment that is made with God. Finally, Pastor Kitoto advises: "Marriage should not be run like a business, it is a friendship,"Keep Reading