SECTIONS

Why I will never cheat on my wife again

WHISPERS: How I escaped Hell's gate where someone swallowed my left ear pinna.

I no longer believe that I still exist in planet earth. I feel dead and could I be living I would readily repent my sinful life; understanding death is everywhere. Initially, I thought of 'Jesus' as a mythical creature which never existed; to me the name was an exclamation which even the devil would habitually use. Whenever my wife's pastor visited; in the sense he was spreading the gospel to me; I rebelliously scorned with my deceptive mind insisting that my faith couldn't go beyond an outdoor Catholic. Besides, I couldn't make it forgetting Eritrea as my promised land.

Eritrea became the Promised Land sometimes back when the African country seemed to understand some homo sapiens are evolved to karomaindos; scientifically homo maniacs. This has brought about the Karomaidos ark team; whose major goal is sailing the Kenyan hungry tigers to the country experiencing men shortage. The horn of Africa's government advocated for marrying at least three. However, I would willingly offer an added favor of ten. I would also offer outdoor service for the larger number dying of romantic thirst inside the men-desert. So the pastor wasn't to succeed until I got confronted by an event that warned me from withstanding an angry man facing me for a moment longer than a decent man can do. Events that have made me forget the horn's Canaan.

Last Wednesday evening, I was on a drinking spree with my friends. Alongside, on my table, was my colleague Kimiti and others. On the next table was the chief with his drinking-mates. Much I knew of Kimiti was that we shared romantic interest. Only that I never knew his hunting ground. So our goals in this earth were well defined: drinking, hunting and consuming women. But really no one knows of God's day.

Amongst those in my agenda for consuming a figure greater or equal to a million; before I collapse; was Carolina, a size8 figure and a barmaid. Carolina was a killer beauty who left me suffocating whenever she hugged me. She is the woman who had been making my wife Ayinya qualm in envy. She always vowed that when she gets evidence about my underground moves; she would elevate Carolina to a past noun. Unfortunately, Carolina seems to be stronger and she is on a higher altitude or else; she is 'vertically gifted'. Again, she had experienced tae-kwon- do life being a barmaid. On the other hand Anyinya is on the sea level and her width is mathematically negligible. Could their bloods break; Anyinya will be a simple exercise.

"Hello beib," Carolina said as she approached our table; ready to make me suffocate with a killer kiss. So as usual, I greedily took up the offer.

I was in my relishing moments when lights went off as someone mouthed my left pinna. Before I could get rid of him he pulled; cutting it. When I say that I was a man enough not to cry, I will definitely be lying to you. The prevalent cry silenced the noisy room where darkness wouldn't make them stop quenching. They say the only person who would deter them was the one who would hold their mouths- death. A focused drunker won't stop drinking even if the eyes switches off.

"What's happening beib?," Carolina asked letting herself off.

"Wui! Someone has killed me. He cut off my left pinna!" I cried as people switched on touches to bring to light the bizarre.

"Here is your ear. Kimiti have it!" my friend John's voice cried from the far end of my table. In the meantime, my friend Sam was doing first aid to stop my blood from oozing.

"You mad man what do you mean," Kimiti angrily answered, "I have nothing."

"Everyone remains still, “the chief ordered," I must find that idiot."

"It's Kimiti. He has it in his mouth, “John insisted. This consequently made the agitated Kimiti smack him a blow that saw him stagger to the table; dropping all the bottles.

"Hey. Kimiti you must be the one," the chief said approaching him. "I said I am not the one!" Kimiti insisted. Meanwhile, John was half dead and he couldn't dare flip the mouth having felt the side effects of doing so. Though he was never heart he seemed sicker than me. Looking upset the chief went on foraging for the ear. Opened kimiti's mouth wide looked round, under the table, in his pocket but there was nothing.

"It seems you mean I have the ear, where is it?" Kimiti said, “where is the evidence that it's not a ghost which took the ear"

“I swallowed it?" he added. Unfortunately for him, he gave the chief a hint of where else the pinna could have gone. The violent chief angrily spitted saliva on his first two fingers and then squeezed them to the dip mouth of the suspect. This made him vomit the whole remnant of his past meals; including a small piece of human meat! This brought a fanfare that made him my roommate at Nyeri provincial general hospital's ward. I mean he received a handful of blows that removed his first six teeth.

It's when troubles get enshrined to you that you know your true friends. Till now, only my wife and the pastor have visited on my bedside. Carolina can't bother. They also revealed to me that rumors are; I was suffering because of engaging myself to a three-sided love. Carolina- Kimiti- whispers. Surely, only that I am feeling dead to repent; in case I resurrect and get discharged, I will confess my sinful life. The pastor made it clear. As my fellow friends goes on moaning Kenya is a jobless corner; there are no jobs; myself I am in a worse place, death corner. I will have to take a greater meaning of the word Jesus so as to survive in this life. Cheating on your wife can be a real shame on you.

I no longer believe that I still exist in planet earth. I feel dead and could I be living I would readily repent my sinful life; understanding death is everywhere. Initially, I thought of 'Jesus' as a mythical creature which never existed; to me the name was an exclamation which even the devil would habitually use. Whenever my wife's pastor visited; in the sense he was spreading the gospel to me; I rebelliously scorned with my deceptive mind insisting that my faith couldn't go beyond an outdoor Catholic. Besides, I couldn't make it forgetting Eritrea as my promised land.

Eritrea became the Promised Land sometimes back when the African country seemed to understand some homo sapiens are evolved to karomaindos; scientifically homo maniacs. This has brought about the Karomaidos ark team; whose major goal is sailing the Kenyan hungry tigers to the country experiencing men shortage. The horn of Africa's government advocated for marrying at least three. However, I would willingly offer an added favor of ten. I would also offer outdoor service for the larger number dying of romantic thirst inside the men-desert. So the pastor wasn't to succeed until I got confronted by an event that warned me from withstanding an angry man facing me for a moment longer than a decent man can do. Events that have made me forget the horn's Canaan.

Last Wednesday evening, I was on a drinking spree with my friends. Alongside, on my table, was my colleague Kimiti and others. On the next table was the chief with his drinking-mates. Much I knew of Kimiti was that we shared romantic interest. Only that I never knew his hunting ground. So our goals in this earth were well defined: drinking, hunting and consuming women. But really no one knows of God's day.

Amongst those in my agenda for consuming a figure greater or equal to a million; before I collapse; was Carolina, a size8 figure and a barmaid. Carolina was a killer beauty who left me suffocating whenever she hugged me. She is the woman who had been making my wife Ayinya qualm in envy. She always vowed that when she gets evidence about my underground moves; she would elevate Carolina to a past noun. Unfortunately, Carolina seems to be stronger and she is on a higher altitude or else; she is 'vertically gifted'. Again, she had experienced tae-kwon- do life being a barmaid. On the other hand Anyinya is on the sea level and her width is mathematically negligible. Could their bloods break; Anyinya will be a simple exercise.

"Hello beib," Carolina said as she approached our table; ready to make me suffocate with a killer kiss. So as usual, I greedily took up the offer.

I was in my relishing moments when lights went off as someone mouthed my left pinna. Before I could get rid of him he pulled; cutting it. When I say that I was a man enough not to cry, I will definitely be lying to you. The prevalent cry silenced the noisy room where darkness wouldn't make them stop quenching. They say the only person who would deter them was the one who would hold their mouths- death. A focused drunker won't stop drinking even if the eyes switches off.

"What's happening beib?," Carolina asked letting herself off.

"Wui! Someone has killed me. He cut off my left pinna!" I cried as people switched on touches to bring to light the bizarre.

"Here is your ear. Kimiti have it!" my friend John's voice cried from the far end of my table. In the meantime, my friend Sam was doing first aid to stop my blood from oozing.

"You mad man what do you mean," Kimiti angrily answered, "I have nothing."

"Everyone remains still, “the chief ordered," I must find that idiot."

"It's Kimiti. He has it in his mouth, “John insisted. This consequently made the agitated Kimiti smack him a blow that saw him stagger to the table; dropping all the bottles.

"Hey. Kimiti you must be the one," the chief said approaching him. "I said I am not the one!" Kimiti insisted. Meanwhile, John was half dead and he couldn't dare flip the mouth having felt the side effects of doing so. Though he was never heart he seemed sicker than me. Looking upset the chief went on foraging for the ear. Opened kimiti's mouth wide looked round, under the table, in his pocket but there was nothing.

"It seems you mean I have the ear, where is it?" Kimiti said, “where is the evidence that it's not a ghost which took the ear"

“I swallowed it?" he added. Unfortunately for him, he gave the chief a hint of where else the pinna could have gone. The violent chief angrily spitted saliva on his first two fingers and then squeezed them to the dip mouth of the suspect. This made him vomit the whole remnant of his past meals; including a small piece of human meat! This brought a fanfare that made him my roommate at Nyeri provincial general hospital's ward. I mean he received a handful of blows that removed his first six teeth.

It's when troubles get enshrined to you that you know your true friends. Till now, only my wife and the pastor have visited on my bedside. Carolina can't bother. They also revealed to me that rumors are; I was suffering because of engaging myself to a three-sided love. Carolina- Kimiti- whispers. Surely, only that I am feeling dead to repent; in case I resurrect and get discharged, I will confess my sinful life. The pastor made it clear. As my fellow friends goes on moaning Kenya is a jobless corner; there are no jobs; myself I am in a worse place, death corner. I will have to take a greater meaning of the word Jesus so as to survive in this life. Cheating on your wife can be a real shame on you.