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Campus Vibe
Heartfelt letter to first years, from your big brother
By Mr Mahanda | Updated Aug 18, 2017 at 11:52 EAT
First year students in UoN Chiromo Campus
  • Most Universities will be admitting first years students on the month of September this year.
  • This is a letter to all first year students giving them advice on the life of campus.

How have you been? Are your letters of admission ready? Did you bribe a doctor to help you with the medical report? Let me warn you, if you get caught thieving exams, suspension is a whole year and you graduate with a pass.

Beware of Fridays. Bright posters will scream in invitations like ‘Let’s party till dawn!’ Parties are good. And alcohol better when you have money- not HELB. Try not to stagger around at noon. You didn’t study CRE to litter campus with your drunken obscenities.

You’ve heard of house parties? Take caution when you go to one, especially you little sister. Campus men are a lustful sort. If spiking your drink will have them eat you, they’ll even buy a truckload of booze. Avoid parties. You won’t die.

But to ‘date’ you should. It’s the only way to learn about heartbreaks, commitment and for dudes, it’ll remind you that your wives are still in form two, defining monocotyledons. So don’t sleep with a fool. If she’s always taking selfies, think twice. If he’s into FIFA, never reads a book or a newspaper, he’s a waste of your time.

Abstain if you can. Though temptations will demand otherwise. HIV is alive, wandering about like Sarahah messages on Facebook. And girl, getting pregnant is as easy as updating WhatsApp status. So let him use a condom. Withdrawal apeleke huko kwa MPESA. Be passionate about something important. If you sing, sing, if you are into trade, start a business. You’ll be busy pursuing you passion and earning from it when other campus fools are analysing Kenyan politics and trading tribal insults online. There’s a fat goat graduates usually chase in the hope of slaughtering, skinning and roasting. He’s called employment. And he’s elusive as IEBC’s forms tharii four A and B.

To get hired, because no one recognises medals earned from having lots of casual sex in lots of casual areas, attend your lectures. It’s manageable. ‘Steal exams’ and don’t get caught. Take your assignments seriously, get A’s and ask the question when everyone wants the lecturer to walk out. Yours falsely, a comrade whose university days are dying. Have a ball!

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