'My day out with a slay queen' - best thing you'll read all day

By Ian Duncan | Friday, May 3rd 2019 at 13:03
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I’m sure you’ve gathered that there’s not really much we do in school now.

We eat, smoke, drink, misbehave amongst ourselves and sleep and repeat it all when we wake up the following day.

So I decided to try something different last night. I took a girl out on a date. A petite girl from a neighboring campus; she had blonde hair and two huge frontal teeth resembling those of a rabbit and she walked like a man but spoke like a bloody mermaid.

I didn’t really take her out because I like her. I took her out because, for the longest time, she had been in my face about how she would never go out with a campus boy because we’re all so broke and immature and put on dirty underwear!

And so when I finally lay my hand on some little money, I wanted to prove her wrong. So I called her up and asked her to take the wheel (not literally, of course) and lead us to wherever she pleased.

She was one of those girls campus folk like to refer to as ‘slay queens.’ So I wanted to teach her that I could slay just as much (OK, I don’t know why that sounded so cool in my head.)

She chose a decent three-star hotel in Westlands (that I think she googled) because all slay queens always think that the fanciest places are in Westlands. She wore a short red dress and carried a clutch purse in her left hand and high heels on her feet and her attitude strutted neatly beside her.

However, when the menu came, she didn’t know jack in there; not even simple things like Bolognese or Croissant. She stared at that menu blankly for a second until I placed my order and she said, “nipatie kama yake.” And I wanted to burst out into the loudest laughter ever heard but I’m a nice guy, I couldn’t do it to her face so I spared it for when I got home.

Boss, these campus girls are tripping. They know nothing, they pretend like they do but most of them don’t. I remember when this mami once told me she had won a beauty pageant and I said “Atta girl” and, for twenty straight minutes, I had to explain what that meant.

Truth is, the campus is filled with dumb girls. Girls who think their make-up and breasts and ample bottoms will get them all they ever need in this life. So they don’t read anything. And I’m not talking about academic material here, I’m talking about reading even a newspaper or a bloody novel.

We can’t be raising a society of girls whose only meaningful conversation can be Kim Kardashian’s last Instagram post. No! We cannot continue operating like this.

So, campus girls, pick a book and read. Pick a menu and read, Pick a newspaper and read. Boys, stay away from dumb girls. Because dumb is contagious.

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