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Ten types of politicians in Kenya, number three will shock you

TEN THINGS
By Brian Guserwa | September 3rd 2020

Kenyan has a wealth of tourist attractions. But none of them are nearly as interesting as its politicians. They come in all shapes, sizes and variations, these waheshimiwa. From the stand-up comedians to the barely literate and the slay queens, here are some of the types of politicians we have:

1. Matanga(tanga) MCs

There is crop of politicians who have perfected the art of funeral-roving. They hop from one to another, landing in choppers just after the sermon, bowing their heads and clutching a thick envelope. As soon as the microphone comes to them, they start with ‘Sina mengi ya kusema’ and proceed to speak for an hour. Whether or not they knew the deceased is inconsequential.

2. My enemies want me dead

One trait all politicians share is their fondness for talking tough. At rallies or during campaigns, they will collectively insult the authorities and invite anyone who doesn’t agree with them to go fight them. So it always comes as a shock when the same politicians who only fear hot porridge start complaining that they are being followed by people in tinted saloon cars. Suddenly, the government they previously called useless is supposed to provide them with security goons and bulletproof cars – for nonexistent threats.

3. Waziri wa Nyege

These politicians are sharp as a razor, and quick to the draw(ers). Their phones are full of random nudes and messages to campus girls and people’s wives. Inevitably, the stories leak to the media, and that’s when they remember they are married with children. And you know what they say. What a man can do, a woman can do better.

4. The comedian

They have a rich understanding of language in all its forms. Their knowledge of methalis and misemo is unmatched, and each time they speak, they gift the country with quotable lines, hilarious expressions and choice insults. They are so good at what they do that people look forward to hearing them speak and forget to demand accountability.

 

5. Now you see them, then you don’t

You didn’t even know they were politicians until you saw them on posters along Mombasa Road. They sit at the very back of Parliament, where they drift off as soon as proceedings get underway. Their constituents have long since given up on any form of representation, and only see them when a five-foot bridge which was launched at the beginning of the election period collapses. Or when they’re flushed out by a scandal.

6. Media hungry

This politician comes alive at the slightest sign of a gathering. Or the flash of a camera. Thrust a microphone in his/her face and you’re guaranteed at least five minutes of headline-worthy material. They believe that no publicity is bad publicity. Most times, they are being fought mashinani by well-heeled adversaries and are not averse to pocketing handouts.

7. The drunk

Ever since he was elected, his eyes have been getting redder, his speech slower, and his potbelly less and less modest. At first, the drinking was a rumour which generated hundreds of memes. But then he stopped trying to hide it and will often be seen pissing in public or having a row with cops at midnight. They are also likely to indulge in weed and other prohibited substances and have un unhealthy interest in the size and circumcision status of opponents’ genitalia.  

8. The thief

They have been involved in so many scandals they’re practically nicknamed after them. Their offices are like witchdoctor caves; once money goes in, that’s the end of it. They chew CDF money, bursary money, supply air to the government and fake foreign trips to munch per diem. Until they get nabbed by policxe and we discover they have ten lifestyle diseases.

9. Wrestling champ

There is a unique brand of politician, also, which is characterized by a brash, no-nonsense approach to confrontation. They are not afraid to fight, and they want everyone to know it. They have tussled with bulls, so how can they be cowed by mere words? They will even mix it physically up with the opposite gender, but they always ensure to start a brawl when surrounded by hired goons.

10. Kusota kona

These ones are always stone broke. They are mortgaged to the neck, don’t pay bills always have an auctioneer or two breathing down their necks. They sneak into their village homes in the dead of the night and creep out at dawn to duck omba-omba constituents. They are always hovering around Francis Atwoli or a senior Jubilee leader with a begging bowl but have enough wives, mistresses and children to fill up a stadium.

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