Lately, it has become increasingly fashionable for women who deem themselves empowered to dismiss marriage, or men, anytime someone, whether it is their pesky aunts, or parents, or friends brings up the topic of marriage.

Most of the time, their dismissal strikes me as defensive, more than intellectual or philosophical. I totally respect women for the kind of choices they make, and there are those who truly have figured out that marriage is not their glass of wine and would love to spend their lives for a higher ideal.

But, marriage and family are bigger callings beyond our personal whims. There are natural and powerful forces; societal, personal, biological that lead us to marriage. I have seen that even the most adamant critics and skeptics of marriage usually give in when older and marry, to everyone’s relief.

The natural order of things is that you should ideally start your family in your 20s, so that you can have ample time and space to raise the young ones when you have the energy and the resources. You don’t want children screaming at you when you are 50. Dealing with teenagers when you have middle-age problems to contend with can be an uphill task.

However, we no longer follow the strict order of nature as it was designed. We are taking longer to finish school. Men are taking longer to grow up, if they grow up at all. Women no longer have the patience that their mothers had in dealing with our father’s erring ways. Also, career progression and academic advancement have been given a higher preference by women. Most of them learning from their mother’s situation the importance of having their own money, lest a man makes you a doormat.

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But in the quest for papers and money, some women (and men) may have bad experiences. Cheating and abusive spouses, absentee dads, immature and underdeveloped men who can’t handle a woman who earns more or headstrong, and some women by the time they are 32, they have gone through hell and emerged out stronger.

Scarred, and scared, most of these women are increasingly stigmatising marriage and can be rude and defensive if you dare ram your religious or societal pontifications about marriage their way. As for men, due to bad choices, of which no one is immune, some have picked women who ride them straight to hell, that by the time they open their eyes, they don’t want anything to do with marriage — or women.

Yet for some, they are so lucky. A woman at 25 meets a 27-year-old who is so responsible and they marry and five years later they have a family, investments and are the envy of their peers, who are lost in the difficulties of adult life, school and bad jobs. It is easy to be envious, especially in this age where people parade their happy marital lives on camera, not forgetting expensive but tasteless weddings on TV. It gets complicated if the last three relationships died as soon as they started.

Hence, we now have people who take their bad luck in relationships to stigmatizs marriage. They will cite every bad marriage in their family or among friends to justify their skepticism. They will be hostile, citing previous abuse, betrayal and desertion to tell you to shut your trap.

Some actually withdraw from society. They don’t want any negative energy from aunts who are in dead marriages, drawing more people to an institution whose usefulness has been questioned.

But I usually take a longterm look. Truth be told, we rarely get to marry the men or women of our dreams. I will be married to Kelly Rowland, if wishes were donkeys. But we only meet people whose presence and company we can tolerate, with adequate love making skills, and responsible enough to know that once you start a family you are bound together.

We marry for old age, when disease, and when the empty nest syndrome strikes. We marry for the days when we will be sick and bed-ridden, and our folks have responsibilities to give us full attention. Our spouses and children have full obligation compared to other relatives.

Above all, we marry for companionship. We need someone to bitch to at the end of the day, someone to lift us up. Whereas this is not guaranteed, it is worth trying and failing than not trying at all, out of fear.

If you succeed to stay married, raise a proper family, it is far much bigger success, than all the knowledge or wealth you can accumulate.

— @nyanchwani [email protected]