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'Married' but in 'open relationship' is the new trend in town

By Diana Makokha | September 24th 2021

Sometimes, it’s good to slam shut the door to monogamy and try out new things, like being in an open relationship, or in more ‘decent’ words, an ethical non-monogamy kinda arrangement.

An open relationship, simply put, is a relationship where the couple agrees to flirt, date and bang other people while dating or still married to their partners. The relationship is open for anyone – and anything.

What we generally don’t discuss because it is taboo is that it is pretty normal to fantasise about other people even when one is happily in a relationship. Creepy, huh? I know! But, don’t we all crush on people of the opposite gender?
Thing is, mostly, we never get the chance to meet our crushes. But sure as the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, if we got a chance, in a dark corner where we are sure no one would get to know, we would bang that crush like crazy.

Of course, it sounds illicit, sinful and all that especially for someone who is married or committed in an exclusive relationship. But what if our partners didn’t give a hoot? Like your wife knows you and Stella meet and shag once in a while, and it is okay with her. How about that?

The mere thought of our spouse in bed with someone else curdles our blood, of course. But believe it or not, there’s shocking evidence that more and more couples are engaging in such relationships. And no, it’s not cheating.
Open relationships are not a new thing as such, it’s just that more Kenyans are opening up about their secret lives. Some married folk are finding the going boring after sharing a blanket with the same person for years and will do anything to bring back the spark, without being castigated as cheating on their partners.

Others may just want to explore multiple facets of their sexual orientations, or they just don’t feel as though it’s natural to only have sex with one partner all their lives. Rather than romp around secretly with the risk of ugly break-ups when caught, why not sit down, talk and agree to engage in “mixed cropping”?

Who are we cheating anyway? Very few people are ever 100 per cent faithful. Most of us have either flirted or even gone all the way with another man or woman. Much as we may pretend otherwise, it is normal to yearn for a little spice, a different experience, even when we are married or in relationships.

We have met free spirited people who float through no-strings-attached hook-ups with people of the opposite gender. These ones have untethered intimacy all over, but hide it from their mains. And since such people have made a commitment to stay faithful to their spouse, for family and society, they choose to stay and ‘go outside’ literally.

Open relationships give an option for not separating, but still creating some distance and giving your partner time to try out stuff that excites them. Actually, this might be a great way to deal with issues that sometimes are at the root of the decision to divorce, like mismatched libidos, boring bedroom life and vastly differing interests.

One partner might be having a particular kink or fantasy that they want to explore, and their primary partner has zero interest. Sexual incompatibility is one of the biggest relationship breaker, and to avoid infidelities and secret sexapades, a consensual open relationship can come in handy.

No one person  can ever fulfill all your needs, which is most married couples often feel stressed about not having a perfect union. But being in an open marriage means that one is okay with not going along with the traditional definition of what marriage means, which can make it easier to focus on doing what’s best for you as a couple instead of what’s expected.

This means focusing on pleasing yourself and going for what works well for you two, than living for family and societal expectations. We are all busy people in a very busy world so we should stop putting all our eggs in one basket, you get?

In any case, one party or both in a marriage or relationship are always open, albeit chini ya maji. This secrecy surrounding intimacy with other people can easily become toxic and lead to feelings of neglect, insecurity, rejection, jealousy, and betrayal, making the orgasms just not worth the headache!

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