There are a lot of things that happen in movies that just don’t wash in real life. I was watching this mushy rom-com recently where the lead couple engages in the steamiest, most sizzling shower sex I have ever seen. I have to laud the phenomenal acting because it was so realistic! Except, I know better.

When it comes shower sex, sadly, life really doesn’t imitate art. Guys, anyone who has ever told you that shower sex is sexy and romantic has never had shower sex. You can take that to the bank.  I know I have always encouraged couples to expand their sexual repertoire by taking their sexual relations out of the bedroom. In hindsight, I should have added a caveat: do it literally anywhere else except the shower.

Shower sex is awkward, unpleasant and potentially hazardous
Besides, I find even simply the act of co-showering tremendously problematic and unromantic. First, most shower stalls are built with one person in mind. So, you will feel cramped and uncomfortable. Secondly, even if there is a little wiggle room in your shower stall, there is only space for one person under the shower. This means your co-showering session will be spent standing, awkwardly, covered in soap, getting bitterly cold as you wait for your turn.

Showering is supposed to be intimate

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If you like to shave everyday to keep your lady parts smooth, the last thing you want is a spectator. Shaving your lady parts is awkward enough as it is! First, you have to prop up your foot on something then hold your labia taut with your fingers with one hand as you shave with the other hand. This is not a pretty sight! The people who thought up his and hers bathrooms certainly knew what they were doing. Showering is supposed to be a solitary affair!

Not worth the drama
Now, you want to tell me that you can add penetrative sex into this already nightmarish situation? Heck, even engaging in oral sex under these conditions is tricky. Now, I am not saying that shower sex is impossible: it is certainly doable if you are sufficiently motivated. Thing is, is it worth the drama? Nah! Sex in the shower is fraught with danger. Let me paint that picture for you: Ramming and thrusting in a confined space surrounded by hard surfaces and a floor slick with soap while being pelted by a constant stream of water does not make for a safe nor a pleasurable encounter. In fact, it is the perfect recipe for a disaster. If you have ever fantasised about death on the saddle, sex in the shower is perhaps the surest method! 

Limited positions
Thanks to the squeezed conditions, the number of sex positions you can attempt in the shower are severely limited. For the record, I have seen all of the suggested sex positions for shower sex and they hardly inspire confidence. Pro tip: if you are planning on trying shower sex, you might want to start some core exercises because it requires a lot of strength, balance and endurance! 90 per cent of the positions involve standing. There was only one suggested position that sounded somewhat less risky. It involved sitting on the shower floor. The germaphobe in me recoiled in horror but I can see why this position would be preferred by some people. It effectively eliminates the risk of slipping and falling but let’s not forget about the very real threat of drowning. There is still that relentless flow of water flooding every orifice in your body. I guess the couple could always turn off the water but that defeats the whole purpose of shower sex. I mean, they might as well just go do it in the bedroom floor instead. It is basically the same thing just without the germs and a whole lot more leg room. But let’s just say you have circumvented all these problems and you have found a way to safely and comfortably have sex in the shower. It is still going to be an excruciating ordeal for the woman.

Correction: Water isn’t a lubricant
Water washes away the lubrication the vagina produces naturally to facilitate sex so you will be dealing with a very sore vagina after your shower sex session. No, water isn’t a lubricant. (Neither is spit by the way, sincerely, every woman ever). So, to conclude, shower sex is a terrible idea. I think while attempting shower sex is the only time a couple would be grateful that the man is a ‘one-minute man’ because from what I have seen, both parties would want it to be over as fast as possible! 

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