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If you are a Kenyan man, and you are wondering why women ignore your creepy midnight ‘lamba lolo’ inbox messages, don’t waste your money consulting a witchdoctor

FIREWORKS
By Sarah Haluwa | September 6th 2020

If you are a Kenyan man, and you are wondering why women ignore your creepy midnight ‘lamba lolo’ inbox messages, don’t waste your money consulting a witchdoctor. Women have written you off and consigned to that lonely bin because you have one fundamental weakness: You cannot take charge.

As a man, you need to ascertain your authority in a conversation with a woman. Take the lead. Don’t ask “when can we meet?” Come on. You want her to pay attention, tell her you want to meet her and give her a date, time and location, giving her no room “think about it.”

We love a firm man (naughty giggle). What you don’t know is that those details graphically explain the kind of man you are and the reason to decide whether or not she should meet you. The location and time you choose for the date are critical. You name a shitty place and your miserable, frugal butt will freeze in the cold.  

Now, if there is a guy who every woman hates is that creeps who crawls into their DM every morning like a salamander and croaks, “Hey…” and nothing more, like the cat got his tongue. It is tiring and boring. In fact, nothing describes a premature ejaculator better.   

Well, assuming you finally get her to say yes to a date, how you behave determines whether her neckline is the only nakedness you will ever see.

First, be a gentleman. Don’t get bloody drunk and don’t grope, even if her skirt is shorter than her fake eyebrows. Just because you bought her a meal or drinks doesn’t count for much. There are men who pay paid bride price, arrange lavish weddings, and buy their wives houses and cars but still sleep on the couch when women feign headaches. So don’t imagine spending Sh5,000 a night on a woman is a licence for anaconda to explore Karura Forest.

If she wants to go home with you after the first date, that’s fine. The initiative should come from her. But don’t go around forcefully kissing women or coercing them to go to your home simply because they were smiling throughout the date. That’s desperate, pathetic and cheap.

Note, also, that it is your responsibility to ensure the woman you were with got home safe (lest it gets pinned on you when she goes missing). Do not leave a woman’s side until she assures you that she has the means to go home and you safely see her off. Offer to refund her fare or pay for the cab at least, unless she turns it down. Or if you have a car, drive her round to her place (and keep your sweaty paws to yourself, nigga). Don’t forget the economy is bad and she might have used her last coin to come see you.

In your conversations, always mind her feelings. If you are married, tell her as much and let whatever happens next be her choice. Do not dare get into her pants with deception and give her a rude awakening sometime in the future when some angry woman with six deranged female cousins threatens to mutilate her genitals for sleeping with people’s husbands.  And never string a woman along just because you are bored, with months and months of pointless conversation when you know for a fact you want nothing with them — apart a roll in the hay.

Do not dare go to her place during the first few dates. And if you must, do not leave your drink unattended. That’s how men get swindled, robbed, blackmailed or worst, killed. If she is really persistent on you going to her house, pass. No self-respecting woman would ever go to those lengths.

If you had agreed on a date and she shows up with a squad of shady girlfriends, excuse yourself and leave – unless you are desperate for group sex and wouldn’t mind limping home with an STI when that cheap latex slips off into the bottom of Kindaruma Dam.

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