Like it or not, Mama Fua owns your man
By - Jan 1st 1970
There’s this woman who has a man’s secrets that even his own woman doesn’t know. Mama Fua. We have joked around and made memes about ‘toa nguo nakuja’, a phrase that has also been picked by some laundry companies to literally or technically ‘woo’ people into considering them for laundry services. But the real ‘toa nguo nakuja’ is your average mama fua who does rounds in estates getting dirty laundry done, for the lazy (sic), and busy Kenyans who have no or little time for doing laundry.
So there’s this busy brother Benjamin who is too busy to even wash his own young clothes. Bro works from Monday to Friday and often eats out. KFC or popcorn and juice, if he has to have something from his house. He has a girlfriend who checks in once in a while, mostly on weekends but strictly to Netflix and chill, booze, and sextivities. Babe doesn’t step in the kitchen and when she does, she would actually be getting herself a Gin glass and some ice cubes. Does she even shower? Maybe, maybe not. She’s too woke to even brush her teeth.
So brother Benjamin’s crib is always in a crazy mess after a busy weekend.
Then there’s this woman. She’s not babe. She’s his laundry lady. Mama fua. This blessed woman knows every corner of Benjamin’s house. She knows the colours of his three boxers, knows that the green one is torn and the dude has worn it since 1967. The grey sock that has no partner, the blue jeans that have faded out because it’s worn three times a week, she knows how his bedsheets smell and notices when he buys a new bed cover, new T-shirt, or belt.
She notices when the house had an extra occupant over the weekend and can smell this from hukoo gate. This is still the one who does the budget for the house. Because? She is aware the soap is finished, she is the one who empties the sugar tin and suguas sufurias, so she definitely is aware that steel wool and Sunlight bar soap need to be purchased. This woman discards empty tins and boxes in that house, and empties not only the dirty clothes’ basket but also the garbage bin. When Benja eats burgers, she’ll know. And when he chews cat and scatters used condoms on the bedroom floor, she’s the one who picks them from under the bed.
You as a girlfriend might not have a spare key to your man’s house, but this particular lady has! Si she has to do laundry, no? See, he might not be loyal to you the way you expect him to be, after all, si you two just met the other day, two years ago. But do you have any idea how long this mama has been around? He has been loyal to her all this while, and nothing can come between the two. She has seen almost all the women in his life, and they even talk about who stayed longer, who was arrogant, which one looked like a gold digger and he’d tell her who even gave bad sex!
This one knows which girl is the main one and which one is the side. And if by chance the man is married and his wife visits once in a long while, and she (wife) calls in to say she’ll be around in three days to attend some workshop in town, Mama Fua will be dialed on emergency! She will rush in to clean, clear, and declutter any slight rumour of stupid deeds and destroy visible or suspected evidence around the house. This she does on a good bargain because it’s extra sensitive work. She might even earn herself a whole month’s shopping.
She helps him hide your ugly thongs, brassiere, eye pencil, and toothbrushes when his other girlfriends visit. This one is allowed to show you an attitude and you won’t do anything about it, because she is a single mother of three and see, she needs this money. You have no choice but to understand her, and swallow your pride when she tells you she doesn’t like it when you leave your dirty thongs in the laundry basket for her to clean. But, she is very much at peace cleaning your man’s! Haa!
We can almost agree that some of these laundry ladies also give or agree to ‘extra services’ with their clients. This is a man who stays alone, busy the whole effing week waking up early to catch worms. Get in office on time to chair board meetings, work the whole day trying to beat crazy deadlines and achieve weird targets. Spends just a few hours in his house, mostly to shower, nap and change clothes. Or watch documentaries. The only available day is Sunday, also the laundry day. Then in comes Mama fua, young or old; a woman is just a woman and any three-legged man doesn’t really look at how hot or cold a female is when some craving strikes!
Given that these ones are readily available and quite affordable, rather than a dude getting a call girl out there who will spend his money on 12 Guaranas, nyam chom, chipo and still want fare back to her bedsitter in Githurai Kimbo, he would opt to give his laundry lady an extra 1K and have an unlimited and exciting session. Ice not said what you’ve read. Bana, these lasses are given handsome tips for their good work.
So next time you find some lippie on the bedroom table, some heel or a lesso in your man’s house and he tells you the stuff belongs to the laundry lady, trust and obey. Don’t even dare ask her about anything should she come in to do what she does best. You might just be shocked that both of you chew the same cud. And you’ll not like the truth.
Viva, laundry babes!