Being born a man is the cheat code to life

I keep saying I do not want to get married but what I really hate is the idea of being a traditional wife and the expectations that come with it. I do not want to cook every day or to forgive a cheating husband every three months. I want to be the cheating husband who gets cooked for every day and who gets forgiven for every transgression even the most abominable.

I want to be able to go out every Friday and Saturday, until 3 am, and then come back home to freshly made ugali, and steaming vegetables. I do not want to be the woman who wakes up to make ugali at 3 am nor do I want to be the woman who stays at home on a Friday night to nurse a baby. I want the freedom to dance the whole night with women ten years younger than me, and the security of having a family, because family is important, and I deserve to have that without giving up all the fun the world has to offer.

I do not want to be on the phone every other week fighting with other women asking them to leave my husband alone. I want to be the cheating husband with a wife who fights for him. I want to have a wife who threatens my side chics and who prays for me when I err. Fighting is too hard, and praying is too boring for my liking, and I know I wouldn’t be ranting about it had I been born a man. I would be enjoying the privilege of being a man, and the joys that come with having beards and the backing of a whole society.

If I could have anything in this world, what I would want to have is a wife who makes excuses for all my vices, and who understands that I am a man. I do not want to be the understanding wife I am destined to be. I want to be reckless, Irresponsible, carefree, badly behaved, and I want to get away with all of it without being subjected to any remarkable consequences.

The only way you can have it all is if you are a man and I want to have it all. The family and the secret lover I am cheating on with another secret lover she doesn’t know about. I want the responsibility that keeps me grounded enough to climb the career ladder without weighing me down with exhaustion, and the freedom to enjoy life on the weekends without worrying about babies, and whether they were put in bed on time. I want money and the respect it earns you when you are a man. A man with money gets a submissive wife and a woman with money becomes less attractive.

I want my dating pool to increase as I grow older and richer, and not to diminish as it does for women, as they grow older, and richer. I want to leave my wife at 50 for my 21-year-old lover and get respect for it. I do not enjoy my existence as a woman because if I took a young lover at 50, they would call him my son, and me his mother. That isn’t the life I want for myself and I hope I will only be a woman in one lifetime because I can’t do this twice. It would kill me.

If I had been born a man, I would sleep around, and get exposed on social media, and no one would ever call me a slut. I would only receive applause for making a woman convulse in bed 30 times and a long queue of women curious enough to have me in their beds for the same experience. My dating pool would become so large I would have to employ an agent to vet my potential lovers because I would be too occupied to answer direct messages and to do dates like rich women with a limited dating pool.

In my next life, I wish I will come back as a man. I would get married and have a free license to cheat. I would keep many lovers and the society would not judge me. They would understand that men are naturally polygamous, and my wife would post our anniversary photos on Facebook to reaffirm her support for me, and to defend our marriage from side chicks who are trying to ruin it.