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Celerity cougars, femi-nazis and fake car giveaways

By Tony Mochama | October 23rd 2020

Solo Koko send us a ‘Happy Anniversary’ pic of gospel musician Bahati posing with his mom-wife Diana Marua before a Benzo wrapped in a ribbon.

In his usual funny English (though he does have a fab voice), Bahati tweeted: ‘I give you (wife) the best because you are the BEST.’ Bahati then moved on to the real gist of the advert.

‘Asante Motor Hub Kiambu Road & ur Corporative (sic) employees for keeping my secret (from my wife) about the Best Machine at the Best Price delivered within short notice ...’ So fake!

Unless Diana Marua likes hanging around car yards on Kiamboo road, how would she know you wanna gift her a mots? Anyway, as our Tracy Gesare said, at aka you’ll NEVER get to drive that mots, at least ‘mnakaa poa!’ (kwa picha, at aka hio gari mtaionea Viusasa).

Even more fake, and far more embarrassing, waz Kabi wa Jesus pretending to return an Audi his wife had ‘given’ him as his birthday present, saying some nan-sense about preferring an Audi Q5.

We all know the only kinda ‘boot’ that Missus wa Jesus can afford to give Kabi, n it sure don’t come with the Audi insignia, heh heh.

But these local gospel stars n their fake poses have become exhausting, most of all Willy Pozze with his antics with mara Shakilla, mara Lulu (lasses with names like those ‘lalez’ of zamski, huko siku za F2).

Like when Jimmi Gait at a recent interview waz sayin’ he would choose Tanasha over Avril, sijui because he ‘likes kawa booty size, etc,’ n the Smitts is rollin’ his eyes like ‘who cares what a has been thinks?’

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For newbies, lemme give ya the Aces to GOATS of them ole skool celeb mamas who’ve become cougars.

AVRIL – everyzing that has-beans Jimmy Gaits said he’d love in a wifesky, Avril already is – big but beau.

Bae but bright. Intelligent n sophisticated, yet a simple mamacita. April Nyambura is an easy pizzie laski.

(But I berra stp there before J. Blessing a-jam, akuje, n impregnates me)!

BIERRA MAKENA – Thaz what we call her in Kisii (which not only hosted Mashujaa day juzi, but now has one-a the nicest hotels that in Kenya called Camel Park, which is like the TURTLE BAY of Nyanza).

Pierra Makena is a great mom n great VDJ, n deserves great pay-dayz!

SANAPEI TANDE – this Maasai beau is just filling out beautifully, both in bootliciousness n in her career.

Seen her, as I flip channels (to either EPL or CNN, n Donald Quack Trump is goan down) in kina ‘Kina.’

Then she kumbushas us she’z a double threat – by unleashing a great wimbo with Nadia Mukami. Wueh!

ANGELA ‘SHINDE’ MWADANDA – if there is one vampire in this Kenya, it is this bewitchin’ Coastal chicka.

Okay, so this ex-Tattuu member’s a bit long-in-the-tooth, but like that Benzo, she 4ever a vintage beaut!

EVE d’ SOUZA – when first knew her at le start o Pulse (in her mid-twennies) she was smoookin’ hawt.

N a great radio hostess, who has also proved to be a great comedic actress (with her over-the-top roles in ‘Auntie Boss’ n ‘Varsita’), not to mention she’s a really fab MCee!

N, finally last weekend, at 41, Eve d’Souza got married to her prince charming, Simon Anderson.

Every happiness to Eve’sky.

SHEILA ‘NIKKI’ MWANYIGAH – of all the ole skool celebz, the Smitts must now confess that twas ‘Nikki’ he ever waz truly close to, tee hee. Cosmic champagne of a chiquitta, moto kama pasi, n a triple threat to boot – who can do TV, radio n compose n hold a tune. With a fine n sparkling sense of humor, yaas.

The ‘OG’ WAHU – Wahu is the ‘original godmother’ of the current celebrity cougars.

N the ONLY one who actually seems to look younger as time goes forward. Ukisoma hii, Wahu, gotea Kamonski!

Finally, away from fine females, there is this lot of rotten FEMI NAZIS who like to try n ruin men’s names.

Nick Mutuma gets the nod from Netflixxx, suddenly femi-nazis crawlin’ out like roaches when lites go out, to say ati ‘ohhh, he (Nick) assaulted one Rachel Mwangi in 2016, n Netflixxx shd dump his movie, etc.’ Wacha that ‘victim’ Rayshow tokelezead to say that waz ‘shiznit,’ n twas resolved, n 4getbout it!

The Smitts has no tyme for femi Nazis (sorted out mine till moja akatoroka Lando, mwingine auction).

Nick, stay Netflix-focused, n keep churning out them flicks!

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