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The sham millionaires in pork barrel politics

By - | May 19th 2013

By Tony Mochama

NAIROBI, KENYA: When I coined the term ‘M-Pigs’ a couple of years ago in another column, it was because I believed that Members of the 10th Parliament would sell their own mothers down Nairobi River, if you send them enough lucre through M-Pesa.

That is how greedy these MPs are — and the definition of pig that best suits them is to be found in my Advanced Oxford dictionary: Pig (noun), a greedy, dirty, messy, bungling, obstinate, sulky, annoying person. This definition fits the 11th Parliament to a T, wouldn’t you agree?

So greedy are they that these wannabe millionaires of Parliament (MP) are totally dissatisfied with the half a million take-home pay we taxpayers are giving them, that they want to double their pay pap, yet they are not willing to cross the road to the casino at the adjacent Intercontinental and play ‘double or nothing’ at the Black-Jack table.

We have seen some MPs sulking about the same Kenyans who send you to Parliament “hating you after a day only for wanting what is rightfully ours (MPs).” Are you kidding me?

Of course we are going to bloody loath you if your first order of ‘business’ in the National Assembly is to line your purse and handbag with our hard-earned money.

Even this column I am writing today about you M-Pigs is for you, as in my toil on at least one column here per month is for the tax man — where you ladies and gentlemen (and I use the terms in the sense of ablution facilities) go to dip your snouts in the trough of our labour.

MP Aden Duale arrogantly and annoyingly said, “If MPs are greedy, it is because Kenyans are greedy.” Really?

Most Kenyans I know wouldn’t sniff at Sh7 million car allowance, saying it is “beneath their status”. Why, the Sh700,000 Caldina the missus drives took this chap three years to pay back the bank for, without accounting for the interest. That’s how most of your constituents survive — with loans and other debt instruments.

The only folk who should earn a million bob a month are the CEOs of NSE-listed companies in Kenya, because their strategic vision (or lack thereof) has real repercussions on the economy.

Our MPs are just lazy wannabe millionaires, who are too stupid to start multi-million shilling companies, but still want the perks of being millionaires without the sweat.

Our county governors have followed suit, wanting to be treated like regional presidents with flags, guards and royal residences. Other than Governor Alf Mutua, who is a man of vision, and Governor Kidero of Nairobi, who happily went to work in City Hall.

Talking of which, even County Reps have joined the Pig Parade, boycotting sittings because they are unhappy about their Sh132,000 a month pay, and want Sh300,000 a month.

I wonder what my editor would say if I said, “I cannot earn the same dough as a thick County Rep, and I’m boycotting writing forthwith until I see a three followed by five zeroes.”

County Reps are the only idiots on earth, who want to create more sittings a week not to discuss county problems, but so that their backsides can earn them more in ‘sitting’ allowances.

I remember in May 2008 being in a train in London, and seeing a lady familiar from ‘Sky News’ with a leather bag full of files in the Tube. Turns out it was Transport Secretary Ruth Kelly, going to work in public transport, just like any other mwananchi.

As Bonnie Mwangi & Co slaughtered pigs outside Parliament on Tuesday morning as an analogy of MPs’ greed, I thought, “those poor pigs died for MPs; I wish our MPs would die for pigs.”

Pork barrel politics – where our parliament is one big alimentary canal with a big mouth at one end … and a lot of rectums on the other end.


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