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Love your balls? Don't dare smack cop in uniform

 Ian Njoroge caught on camera assaulting a traffic officer. (Courtesy)

That viral clip of a young man smacking a policeman in uniform last week was a jaw dropper. It has prompted me to play agony uncle to vijana who might not be initiated into the ways of the world.

A lot of us have this feeling that we don’t need the boys in blue. Why?  They do the worst where they are needed the most. They rough up folks who live in hoods where there isn’t anyone else to call. That’s why a Kenyan living in a leafy suburb has a rosy view of police while those in vitongonji duni see cops as foes in blue.

To many a Kenyan, the police don’t actually help. They don’t prevent crime, nor do they make any valuable contribution to public safety. Instead, they gobble up millions of shillings that should have built secure communities. But hey, if they don’t gobble up such resources, other gava sharks would do so.

But listen up, vijana. You can get plastered and clobber the ribbed bouncers in your weekend hang-out.

Heck, if you got gonads of steel, you can beat some sense into the estate mikoras for all I care.

But if you really have the welfare of your family jewels at heart, never ever lay a finger to a police officer in uniform; it will never end up well.

Here’s another tip from this uncle: never ever flaunt your PhD from some posh university to cops. This will be construed to mean that they don’t have anything in their skulls, prompting them to try and yank yours open. Your dad might be a respected matatu sacco chairman, but don’t dangle that to a police officer. Wait till you are in the cells and your big-shot dad calls the OCPD who in turns orders you to be released without charges. That’s the system, my friend. Gone are the days when police officers were hulking giants who towered over common mwananchi.

Nowadays, some cops are shorter than your Grade 5 CBC learner. But when a four foot afisa in uniform arrests you, don’t remind him that you are towering over him. In police logic, any officer is taller than you, no matter your actual height.

You may have watched those American movies where cops flash their badges before making an arrest. In this Jamhuri, the ID of a police officer is a jaded blue pullover from the Moi era, a threadbare kabuja and that unmistakable karao accent. If you ask for an ID, you have no respect for serikal.

Do you know what Moses Kuria, Ferdinand Waititu and Junet Mohamed all have in common? They all have had run-ins with police, despite their high ranking positions. So never wave your job card to cops, just play it cool and humour them along.

Back in the day, my uncle was ordered to stop by policemen. Then, they used to wear kaptula so uncle cheekily told them that he never takes orders from men who wear shorts like schoolboys. What happened to him?

It must have been pretty nasty because when I ask him so, he points to a scar on his leg then quips, “There are some metals that drill others.” Point-never mock a cop’s shabby attire.

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