Are you what you want your children to be?

First let me start by saying that I’m not a parent, yet. Biologically at least.

Nevertheless I’m a guardian to some kids. Where I come from, parenting is a role that is sort of bestowed on you by default. Being a firstborn equals being a parent.

I’m a firstborn in a family of four and I’ve been playing parent to my siblings for as long as I can remember. So yes, school fees, shelter, clothes and presents since I graduated from the university close to six years ago is part of what i do. Material needs aside, my other roles include checking on academic progress, returning that all important call in the middle of a meeting informing me that pocket money has run out, taking a few hours from work occasionally to ward off school bullies, replacing stolen items, listening and offering parental advice. And yes, my parents are alive and responsible, I’ve been loved, but almost in equal measure, loathed when I’ve recommended unpopular, but necessary disciplinary measures. It all depends, do I want to be a parent or just a sister? Often, I’ve settled on the former. It’s the price “we” parents pay.

I may not know what it’s like to feel a kick in my belly but I do know that being a responsible adult needs no sperms or eggs. I am a parent. A nun in an orphanage is a parent. A priest is. A teacher is. A step-parent is. So let’s cast our nets wider, shall we?

Lately parenting has become quite an emotive topic. Where do I start? Fathers’ Day.

Many saw this day as an opportunity to extend gender politics on who should or should not celebrate Father’s Day. Has fatherhood been reduced to the mere donation of a sperm? Seriously? It just goes to show how deeply we’ve partitioned gender roles, how angry we are, turning everything into petty divisive politics. I, for one, don’t care if fathers are celebrated on Mothers’ Day or if mothers are fetishized on Fathers’ Day or every single day or if these holidays are scrapped from the calendar altogether if it means we’ll stop fighting. Beyond responsibility, parenting should be about the example that you set.

Last year Mark Zuckerberg took a two months paternity leave. During this time, he’d change Max’s diapers, bathe her and feed her, if his Facebook pictures are anything to go by. A few decades ago that was unfathomable. Sociologists and anthropologists call this performance of traditionally thankless duties: “mothering”. President Obama has radically redefined parenting by reading his daughters bedtime stories (Harry Potter being a favorite) before tucking them in. What does this say? That we’re breaking binary gender roles. Men can and should “mother”.

Likewise we have stories of moms taking on traditional male roles like footing bills, taking kids to sporting events, teaching them to ride bikes. Traditionally, these were men’s roles. Moms are no longer just “mothering” their kids. Many are active on the policy front, making decisions far above mixing milk and cereal. They are running to be presidents of countries, plunging into space, heading scientific research units, writing novels. Again, breaking binary gender roles. Women can and should “father”.

Parents’ Day (Mothers’ or Fathers’) should not be another time to fight or perpetuate Precambrian gender stereotypes. If anything, it should be a time to introspect on the kind of parents we are or aspire to be to our sons and daughters. These days should be days to dream for our children. To demand a better future. If possible, dedicate ourselves towards changing our attitudes and address the real issues.

These issues stem from the home. We do a disservice to the society sending girls to the kitchen as boys do their homework. We do a disservice to our children when we oppose affirmative action policies. Mothers’ or Fathers’ day should be a time to ask why mothers are still earning less than fathers for equal qualifications. It should be a time to ask why there are so many deadbeat fathers out there, single mothers, street children, and a vast population of young adults increasingly skeptical about family and marriage.

And the most important question should not just be if we are parenting the right way, but more like: are we the kind of adults we want our children to grow up to be?