The gods hate dark skin so much that they are slowly phasing it out

In the days of yore, the gods elevated sex to a goddess and decreed that it be worshiped. The whole world obliged and sex became an obsession. Then the merchants crawled out of the woodwork, saw an opening and struck gold. Sex could sell anything and everything under the sun - cars, news, houses, herbal medicine, education, music, fertilizer, funeral services, coffins and whatnot.

Today the merchants are laughing all the way to the bank! The gods must have been pleased, for they did not attempt to put a stop to the charade. However, it is not clear what kind of sacrifice the merchants offered to the gods to buy the god’s cooperation in the not-so-holy alliance. Suffice to say, they became buddies and the world is far the worse for it.

But that was then. Today, the gods, working in cohorts with the very merchants, have devised a more potent formula to spice up the sex-angle of business. Light skin and curvy bodies is now the new game in town. Dark skin has been relegated to the dustbins of history after being demonised, so much so that ninety-nine point nine per cent of the dark-skinned damsels strutting the streets, paths and pavements in Kenya are ashamed of themselves — their status, background, education, intellect, beauty or wealth, notwithstanding.

Don’t blame them, though; blame the gods and the evil merchants! They (gods and merchants) conspired and embarked on an intense campaign to portray dark-skinned beauties as lesser beings and/or creatures from a gone era and past error! And thus the dark-skinned damsel had a snowball’s chance in hell of surviving the onslaught.

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Honestly, there is no hope for them — not now, not tomorrow, not ‘never’! And as long as the mass media, film industries, employers, magazine editors, TV bosses, politicians (when hunting for mistresses), rich guys and playboys (when dating) and sex-for-grades lectures have eyes only for the light skinned ‘beauties’, the dark skin is doomed for eternity.

Let us come back to earth, ladies and gentlemen. When did you last see dark-skinned female anchoring prime time news or hosting a programme on your favourite TV channel? Forget the one you are thinking about. She was hired before the madness had reached fever pitch, and they dare not sack her now because she would sue them to high heavens for breach of contract! You don’t believe me, do you? Just wait for her replacement, when the contract expires. I’ll bet my hire-purchased bed that she will be as light-skinned and curvy as they can became (artificially or naturally), but not half as good as the current one (professionally, that is).

Of late, the TV bosses have upped their game. The light-skinned curvy female news anchors must stand up during the bulletin and strut around the studio for the viewers to sample the curves from every angle! And to make the cut-walk a real spectacle, they are now designing news studios larger than cathedrals, to give the presenter ample space to saunter and prance around. Forget the good old days when the anchor was permanently screwed to their sit, till the cameras went off.

Have you ever seen ‘dark men’ appearing on the silver screens? Of course they do! You see, men were never meant to be the drive engines of the sex-for-business campaign. Hell no! The poor sods are mere pawns in a game they neither understand nor control. Let’s just say, they are victims. If you are feeling philanthropic enough, you can refer to them as targeted consumers!

They are hired primarily for four reasons: Intellect, voice, personal appeal (read personality) and background — just like the background music in a cocktail party — to contrast the light skin and thus improve the ambience of the studio (if one wishes to be rude, you could describe them as part of the props).

Now, kindly turn the pages of your favourite newspaper/magazine. What do you see? The only dark-skinned picture of a lady you can see is; one; a lady who has just murdered all her five children and then committed suicide, because her good-for-nothing husband, a boda boda operator, abandoned her and their children and eloped with a woman of questionable character and morals! Put differently, a crook! Two, top-notch professionals and politicians. Three, successful sportswomen. And last but not least, a lady who has won a million shillings, and above, in a lottery! By the way, have you noted that ninety percent of all female musicians - both gospel and secular - are light-skinned? Peculiar, don’t you think?

Now, what is the result of the conspiracy of the gods on black beauties? The blacks with low self-esteem have resorted to poisoning themselves with bleaches and other chemicals that make them develop exaggerated curves in critical areas — just like the so-called socialites.

Bleaching madness

Please, don’t put your hopes in today’s young men to safeguard our blackness. Very soon, they too, will start this bleaching madness. They are nothing but copycats! They have started plaiting their hair, donning earnings and being ‘kept’ by old women. They are imitating everything girls do. Give them time to reorganise and they will start bleaching their skins. And this will eventually be the dearth of ‘blackness’ in Kenya, and Africa as a whole.

And the gods and merchants will not shed a tear. In fact, they are rejoicing, for their mission of getting rid of dark people is succeeding! I’m not sure whether it is my failing eyesight (I’m a bit aged) or it is my mind that is getting mixed up (not uncommon with losers) by this peculiar Kenya (where peaceful demonstrators arm themselves with stones and police are airlifted to get specialised treatment for imaginary injuries in real hospitals).

But of late, I’ve discovered that more light-skinned babies than dark-skinned babies are being born compared to the good old days. Just how far are the gods prepared to go to execute their plans of finishing the dark skin? I’m very worried. But nobody else seems to care. Why am I the only voice crying in the wilderness? Why can’t somebody organise demonstrations, say, every Tuesday, to protest over the onslaught? This loser and his house would be the first on the street. But please let there be no stones, looting, teargas, police batons or water cannons. Born Loser is allergic to these ‘gadgets’.

Ted Malanda resumes next week