Disclaimer to my future husband

Over the past few weeks I have been appalled and simultaneously amused by the number of girls (and boys) writing letters to their future significant spouses. (Please note, that we live in a polygamous society and it is wrong to assume monogamy where it is not implied or announced).

These letters are filled with hope and promises of heavenly behavior and truths that can only be verified when the marriage ceremony is over. I find this form of writing exceedingly amusing and thus till now I have abstained from being dragged into this marital promises farce.

However, with the rise of these letters on my timeline, I have begun to see a longing in the eyes of the beholders of my beauty and I figured well, it won’t hurt to write one just to indulge them. Besides, anyone who knows me knows that I am always lagging behind (number last) when it comes to trends and such like trivialities, but no more. I will no longer be number last. I am joining the bandwagon. Being in a crowd is so much better than being the last. It is a true testament of your character and a medal of honor amongst peers.

Dear future husband,

I love you. Yes I do. It is one of the reasons I chose to let you marry me. This decision was obviously influenced by a myriad of other factors such as, your height, your marginal aesthetic value, your ability to take me on reasonably priced dates and your type of crazy. Love alone is not enough. Please abandon all girls who tell you it is. Love is perishable and cannot be stored. You therefore must invest in Love deeds and words every-day. Love is a lot of things, the good book details it all in the 13th letter written to the Corinthians (if you do not know what I am talking about, I am sorry, you are out! I cannot be wed to you.) Love is not edible. You must therefore work your behind off to ensure that our family is well provided for. No excuses. Love alone will not be enough and also cannot be used as currency.

Before you make the critical life changing decision to marry me, there are things about me that you need to know.

I know I told you I am a princess, but the truth is, I am not a descendant of the queen or any queen for that matter. Behind the cool, calm and collected façade, I am actually bat-shit crazy. What you refer to as ‘’diva-moments’’ are just flashes of my true self. I will go monkey on anyone who crosses my t’s at the wrong point. I can be Luhya-type dramatic, and Nyeri-type aggressive. Now that we are still dating, I promise to try showing some decorum, however, be warned, when we’re married, wifezilla may show up a few times.

I do not believe in divorce. As soon as you marry me, you’ll be mine, FOREVER, EVER, EVER, EVER… ?#?echo? I am never leaving you. I will be like the stubborn sweat stains on your white vests, ain’t going nowhere. I will be like the keloid scar on your left arm, left behind by the small pox vaccination you got when you were a toddler, with you always. I will be Hyde, to your Jekyll, and Jack to your beanstalk. Sometimes, I will be the big bad wolf, and sometimes I will be Chicken Little. Here is my secret; I am as unpredictable as a shape shifter. Deal with it.

I love to cook. You must love to eat. This is a requirement. I hate eating so you must always be ready to eat my food as well. True love is having someone finish my food so you must be ‘’three little pigs’’ all in one. You must consume everything I cook with sufficient insatiability. If you plan to eat out, please be ready to sleep out as well.

I am from central Kenya, the land of husband batterers, but I promise you I am not a husband batterer. I have never had a husband so I have never had to batter anyone, so I lack experience in this field. If battery is an area of interest to you, then you will be pleased to learn that my eagerness to learn the skills required for this will be beyond satisfactory. I will be a team player and promise to indulge you in any shape and form of battery with equal force and measure.

I am woman, your wife, ergo, I am always right. This is a principle you will have to embrace. If you want to be happy, then you will need to make sure I am happy. I can only be happy if I am right. I know that sometimes I will be wrong, but it is especially in that time that you need to remind yourself that the bottom line is ‘’wife is always right’’. You know that phrase that says, ‘happy wife, happy life?’’ apply it. It will change your life. It will please you to know that when you forget this rule, I will happily accept bribes in exchange for forgiveness. I will email you a list of acceptable bribes for your perusal. Just for the record, chocolates, ice cream and flowers do not apply as bribes. These are your responsibility.

I do not share my husband with other women. Please warn all girls who start ‘nyemelearing’ that the situation will turn into a Liam Neelson hostage rescue mission. If modern ammunition does not work, then I will borrow a leaf from my Nigerian sisters and turn her into Yams or some random food item. I know this is extreme, but with the disclosure of this information, you will thus choose your girls wisely. A helpful line of thought should be ‘’will this nyemelearing woman make a good yam?’’ If in deed, she will make a good yam, then proceed to dare me. This is not a threat.

I will expect that you come with an assortment of ninja or mortal combat skills. This will be to ensure that you competently fight against wildlife found in our house. The term ‘’wildlife’’ herein refers to anything that is not me, not you, not our children, not our house help and not our pet. Some visitors may also be categorized as wildlife, especially if they overstay their welcome or they fail to appease me with burnt sacrifices or other such demands. You must always be on my side even when I am wrong. East or West, your wife is best.

It is not healthy to love someone as much as I love you future husband. This love I have for you is the kind that makes one ill in the absence of their partner. When you are going away, I will be needy and I will cry and hug you for a zillion minutes. When you are due to be home, I will wait for you like a lost puppy and call you every five minutes to know if you are close by. When you are finally home, I will follow you around the house and hug you for a zillion minutes. I will cherish every moment I spend with you and hang on every word you speak. I will write you songs and poems and I will bear you amazing beautiful children to carry on your legacy. When we are old and gray you will be the happiest toothless man in our gated community because I will spend every waking minute working to make you happy even when you are sad.

Now, dear future husband, show yourself so I can convince you to marry me. You will like me, PROMISE.

Cheers,
Your CRAZY, but marriageable future wife.