The Wannabes: We should stop the stupidity of our 'cultural' wannabeism

Last week was when the president made his annual State of the Nation address.

It was a week that began with some wannabes calling for the arrest of the intellectual theorist, David Ndii, because he had said our ‘polygamous’ nation should just go its separate ways into tribal blocks.

I cannot speak for Ndii. For me, what he said was no big deal because we already have 47 counties to exercise our ethno-eccentricities within. Besides, if wakina Ndii go to ‘shags,’ some of us tutabaki hapa Nairobi na Kibaki. Remember he refused to go and live in that Sh500 million retirement home in the sticks?

But there are some ethnic traditions that are not just ‘wannabe,’ but downright repugnant and very Middle Age. Take my community’s burning of abarogi (witches) as an example. My friend in New York, Silas Nyanchwani, and I were once shocked to find ourselves debating fiercely on Facebook against supposedly educated Gusii men and even a younger woman who were defending putting ‘wizards’ to the fire, even without the due process of law or else by a kangaroo court of chinkororos.

This is wannabeism of the worst kind. It is the mentality of a Medieval barbarian of the European Middle Ages, like the year is 1616 AD. Yet, the Omogusii is supposed to be a very clever Kenyan.

Then there are our neighbours, the Abagere (Luos) who we live side-by-side with in peace and love (stealing Obama from us is forgiven), but then you hear stories of wife inheritance and shake your head in wonder. Why should your brother eat from the silo you selected after you have gone, like the hyena? If it is taking care of his nieces and nephews, he should do so as a good uncle.

Farther afield, some of the Abaluhyas also have some ritualistic tabias that are a little much wannabe. Bull fighting, and that ‘shakey shoulder like an epileptic’ thing, though not quite the bulls of Pampalona, we can understand, thanks to the kelele of Boni Khwalale over the years. But eating ugali at a funeral as if it is the end of the world while tears flow down the face is very wannabe, and brings your ‘bereaved’ status into question.

All along the Rift, it is very wannabe to still clip the clits of the female child. FGM is devilish! As for the last of the Maasai wannabes who do not want to educate their daughters, and instead prefer to marry them off to old men for a herd of skeletal cows, may fleas infest your cowardly armpits, you churlish curs, and may the great Oloibon himself come down from the sky and shove a spear up your wrinkled arse!

I have watched a few Riverwood films recently, and like the Naija movies, I think the culture of cunning (conning, in Nollywood) is over-glorified. A few wannabes seem to have elevated the culture of stealing to near sainthood in Central.

The opposite is true of the Akamba, where some wannabes want to portray poverty and a general fatalism of the ‘Suffering Mkamba’ as the natural state of affairs. That is why a man like Governor Mutua tries to bring about a state of development, and all the dogs of Poor begin to bark very loudly.

And from Lamu to Mombasani – habari  zenu ndugu zanguni – gossiping, being idle and lazy ama ‘kurega rega is very wannabe. We know the heat is on, yes, but let’s all embrace a culture of hard work.

Finally, all those IDIOTIC Kenyans who go to crowd wild animals that have wandered out of the grabbed Nairobi National Park as poor Mohawk the Lion did last week, that is very shady, wannabe and scary. Like what was that goddamn stupid boda boda guy who went to rave his piki piki near Mohawk and got pawed thinking? I wish Mohawk would have mauled this wannabe to the better end, so he can go to heaven and listen to Kate Perry’s ‘Roar’ there!

We really need to reduce the daft gene in our wannabe population, and that boda guy would have been a great start.

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