Just like men, women need a Code

Since time immemorial men have maintained a global and simple male constitution, it’s simply referred to as the Guy Code.

This is an ancient set of rules designed to protect men from one another. Throughout the centuries, this evolving code of ethics has prevented men from trampling over our own kind as we scramble for wealth, power and sex. These dude laws are our Declaration of Independence, our Magna Carta; it is our Bill of Rights. Dare to break these sacred rules and you may end up ridiculed, punched, or even ostracised from male society. As times change, so do the rules, but one concept has echoed through the ages: respect. Deep down, we know that if we don’t respect our brothers, we all lose.

If you are lucky enough to have been recently laid, then you are at the back of the line. Whichever of your buddies has the longest drought is at the front of the line. As a group, you and your mates must endeavour to pool your resources to make sure that the guy at the front of the line gets his slice of pie first. Being a man is often a team sport.

But what do the women do? At the slightest opportunity a woman in the pub will start winking at her pal’s boyfriend right across the table. If she senses that her friend is getting high and she wants her friend’s man, she will encourage her female friend to drink more so that she can have a field day with her girl’s man.

She will even suggest that her drunken friend goes to snooze in the car so that she can now squeeze her friend’s boyfriend’s jewels without having to look over her shoulder.

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No-go zone

A total man will not even attempt to make an overture to an ex-girlfriend of any of his male friends. That is unthinkable. If as a man you can contemplate doing this then it can be misconstrued that even when the two were dating you would have gone for it given the right set of circumstances. So to avoid any doubt about our bond as male friends, that is a no-go zone.

If a man meets one of his boys’ ex, all he is expected to do is a quick ‘hi’ and be in a hurry. Exchanging pleasantries and talking about the Equinox is not an option, lest any of your boys happens in the scene and misreads your intentions. Even Chinua Achebe said a hand shake beyond the elbow is suspicious.

Similarly, men’s business in the cloakroom is basically to execute two things only: drop off a delivery and wash your hands. You will find that men always leave a buffer zone of at least one urinal and zip up as soon as they are done. Men usually treat the men’s room like prison – keep your eyes straight ahead, do your time and get the hell out.

But to the women, the washroom is like a boardroom. They go there and hold meetings for half an hour. The first time I experienced that I thought my girl was having constipation. There are two things that I do not understand with women. Firstly, why do you all have to make a beeline for the washroom at the same time? Are your machines synchronised such that if one feels like going to the washroom, it triggers a domino effect? Have you seen boys saying, ‘OK, let’s go to the washroom’ and then all the men at the table go to pee?’ Has peeing become a team sport for women?

Girls, get your own code or else you will remain your own worst enemy.