Smitta Smitten: Februari footer and the silver screen

Today is not January 29th but January 92th (pronounced as ninety tooth). The end of Jan is finally nigh, sigh.

And I am happy the Banter back there maintained his silence on the matter of Arses vs Chelski last Friday.

Becoz by Sato, most Goons were polluting social media airwaves with theya vibe of vile ‘watachapa Chelsea.’

They never learn!

Never mind that since the dark days of the Drogba, the Gunners in EPL are our whipping arses. Theya fans before every game crow n crow - ohhh, tutawachapa ... then we fix ‘em right n proper, including on Sundae, to the Smitta’s delight.

Per Matapaka - which is the standard unit of measuring stoopidity at weigh bridges - took our villanious Diego Costa down, got sent off and Costa still cost the Gunners by scoring a great great goal.

On the other side, near half time, we saw their player Flamingo give the ball a flying kick into the stands. No doubt he wants to retire soon to China-wood n star in his own kick flick called The Flying Flamingo.

Foolish people. Speakin’ of which, that Ezekiel Mutua feller over at Kenya Film Commish or wattever are becoming too, too much, trying to get into media every other day with threats against wakina Jeff Koinange for advertising malt vinywajis, talkin’ to grown-ass niggaz like us like moral police on film content, etc. But the most absurd haunting they are giving Kenyans is trying to regulate Netflixxx.

This isn’t Kenya in 1986 wen yu cud tell miros wat not to watch ovyo ovyo, boss. Lemme let you in on a lil secret. While yur away, they invented something called the INTERNET.

This thing called In Da Ned will not pass by yur offices to be regulated! Netflixxx will be down loaded (think of it, sir, like taking a long drop in a short pit laterine, lol) paid for by credit card n peeps will watch any movie they so wanna.

And having spent large swathes of Jan indoors, I gotta watch some movies I’ll reco you for this weekend.

If yur into mind blowing, time layered, semi-futuristic films like I am, you gotta watch Ex Machina as well as the complex Cloud Atlas (tho two hours into the movie, I swear, the voice-over my boot-legger had fanyad for me went into effing Russian, wud you believe it)??

For nuccas who prefer white collar crime films, catch The Big Short but if yur into less sophistication n are more street, then Legend about the craayyy Kray Bros is yur ting. After all, Kenya IS a bandits’ economy (wapi Eurobond)?

Creed is a good boxing film, and I really liked Bridge of Spies, a true espionage exchange storo (do kdf n al asses bila sababu ever do hostage/prisoner exchanges, ever)?

Twixt’ n The Last Witch Hunter were the ‘darker side’ films the metaller in me watched, ‘Campaign’ is a cynical, silly, very funny politikal comedy but my fave was Spotlight, a true tale of these Boston journas who broke the tale of abusive priests @ milleniumz turn, leading to allegations mpaka hapa Ngong, Kinya.

Feb is here, though, n our pals wakina Bett n Alexei Serkov at I Max are saying tis the month of love, you needta take the mamacita n chicka out on proper movie dates, with darkness n popcorn, so here are de offers for y’all boyz n gals.

The Finest Hours kicks off Febski at I Max, then round-a-bout Val’s, the world anticipated movie, Deadpool, complit with dinner for like two ngwanyez, so yez, thaz a plotski.

This weekend, you can still see the sinema that will win di Caprio an Oscar n make ya cry called ‘Revenant.’

Talking of Oscars, I saw Lupita Nyongo has joined wakina Will Smith n Jada Pinkett in condemning the award she won a coupla years ago as being ‘oh all so lily white!’ Thaz courageous! Like saying twas not funky for folks to push out one palaver from Malaba called Galava 4 procedural shizzle or for the OPP to keep splitting n sub-dividing charges against theya former judicial officers like kina Kissinger Kaikai like so much amoeba in those processes called mitosis ...

At Anga Sky cinema over at Panari on Msa Road this Feb season, talking of Lupita, you can still catch Star Wars (which has made like a billion U$D worldwide, the same cheddar we’ve lost in euro bonds as per S. Elderkin investigates, n we think the arts are just things to be censored)!

There is also Airlift, Alvin n the Chipmunks for tois ( like young Alvin Mukei), Momentum for action fans, Wazir for Kenyasians (and warias) n should ya alreadee be in the Vale mood, Love Shudda.