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I said NO- why I turned him down at the altar

Relationships

Turning down someones hand in marriage at the altar sounds like a scene in a soap opera. Lucy Maroncha had a chat with one woman who decided to say otherwise when it was her turn to recite the vows.

I was only 19 years old when I met Jim*. He was older than me by eight years hence I looked at him with a lot of respect. Our parents were very good friends and by default we also became good friends. We grew in the same village hence we knew each other well.

He led us in the youth group and was very dedicated to the work of God. He taught us the fear of God with such passion that when I look back today, I imagine that I didn't have the right to judge him so harshly or treat him as such. Perhaps he was only overcome by a moment of weakness. But being young and rather uninformed, I made the deadly mistake which has made many people lose trust in me and has caused me tearful, sleepless nights.

Jim fell in love with me though there were older girls among the youths in the church to everyone's envy. I was young and rather playful but he seemed to like the timidity in me. Being older than me, I looked on him for mentorship on career but mostly on nurturing my walk with God. Of course he was my first boyfriend and I looked forward to the day of my "holy matrimony" with him.

That would never be; not with him, not with anyone else since I have given up falling in love ever again. I have since gone through heartaches, sorrow and pain that can never be compared to what I did to Jim. He always spoke against fornication and sex-before-marriage with so much conviction that any youth who passed by his mentorship indeed had "clean weddings."

When he proposed marriage after dating him for a few months, it was an obvious yes. He was doing well in his career and was ready to settle. Our parents were overjoyed and a wedding date was set. Everything was moving smoothly until one evening when I visited him at his home and there was a heavy downpour.

The rain continued for hours and because it was late, everyone left us in the living room and went to sleep. I called my parents to inform them I was with my fiancé and as usual my mother was confident that I was safe with him. Then suddenly he started caressing me and before I knew it we were kissing. I got to my senses before him and exclaimed, "Stop! We shouldn't be doing this!"

But being stronger than me, he pinned me down and raped me! He later pleaded with me to forgive him assuring me that there would be no problem because we were soon getting married. He even brought me some emergency contraceptives the following morning to conceal the sin. So he knew so much after all!

That night, I went home feeling dejected and abused. I promised him that I would never tell anyone about it and I kept my word. But since that day, I started planning my revenge. He asked for my forgiveness many times and I pretended all was well though deep inside I knew my revenge would be painful to him.

I pretended to be very happy as we went through the pre-wedding and all the wedding arrangements. He never asked me for sex again neither did he even talk about it. He continued leading the youth and even when we went for pre-marriage counselling he was lauded as a role model. "A role model, indeed!" I whispered to myself.

On the wedding day I woke up early with butterflies in my stomach. Many girls get this anxiety on their wedding days for fear something would go wrong but that wasn't my reason. I was anxious what would happen if my plan failed.

The previous evening I had hired a cab to help me escape though I didn't give much detail to the driver. I also paid for a room in a local hotel where I would change from my wedding gown into casual wear. I had some money that we had saved from the pre-wedding and Jim had thought I may need it for any small overlooked detail. Everything was perfectly arranged.

My dressing team arrived and I was made beautiful "for my groom." My bridal entourage snaked towards the church where the groom and his team were waiting. My mind was so made up and even as my parents handed me to him for the vows, I didn't have a speck of doubt.

The service went on well and then came my moment, "you have to be calm," I kept telling myself.

"Jim, Do you take her to be your lawfully wedded wife, in times of sickness and health, poverty and riches..... "Yes, I do," he said calmly.

It was my turn and I shouted, "No, I don't!" I remember the pastor looking at me rather shocked but I confidently repeated; "I said, no I don't!" Jim collapsed and there was  commotion at the altar. My cab was strategically parked and luckily for me people were busy trying to revive Jim. I made an easy escape.

I only heard my maid of honour shouting my name as the car sped off. I didn't go to the hotel where I had planned to change because I knew people would follow us. To date, there are people who believe I escaped with another man. I had hidden a few clothes in the cab the previous day so I changed as the car sped off.

At a safe distance, I left the cab and boarded a bus to a town where I was sure nobody would ever think of looking for me. There, I was employed as a househelp courtesy of a bureau.

One afternoon, three months later, I was busy at my job, which I had started enjoying. However, the man of the house came one afternoon when nobody else was home and sexually abused me. I reported the matter to his wife and she only took me to the hospital for Post Exposure Prophylaxis and advised me to leave. She however introduced me to a church where I got a job as a cleaner.

The pastor and his wife were very kind and took me like their own daughter. After one year when the church offered me a scholarship to the university, I narrated my story to them. All that time I had lied I was an orphan. I had blocked all my social networks and changed my cell phone SIM card. I however, played the victim and made them believe that I was unfairly treated. "Go back and seek that man's forgiveness," the pastor warned me. I didn't take heed because I thought it would be sign of cowardice.

After university, I went home and found that my family had long given up looking for me. They, too, advised me to seek forgiveness from Jim but I was too prideful to face him.

I have worked in many companies and organisations and often I just get fired or accused falsely. My lonely life is surrounded by books, I read through the night. I do simple contracts to earn a living. People have told me that it is only forgiveness from Jim that can set me free. But the humiliation I caused him in front of his parents, friends and the church denies me the guts to face him and ask him for forgiveness.

I have been confronted by several misfortunes since then, which I attribute to what transpired that day. Perhaps this is my punishment and indeed there is always pay-back time. I have lost two suitors in the most painful way since then: one died in a road crash on the Friday prior to our wedding while the other committed suicide after our engagement bash.

There are other  misfortunes I have had to deal with which I attribute to the mistake I made over five years ago. I have now chosen to live a very lonely life though truth be told, I regret what I did. I feel like it will follow me to my grave!

I am well aware that someone would want to help me out of my situation. Unfortunately I can't give my name because this is not a story concerning me alone. Firstly, I think my actions did Jim a lot of damage already hence I wouldn't want to expose him as a rapist especially to his family and his church.

Secondly, there is a cultural belief that a woman who has lost more than one suitor in either death or other misfortunes has a "red thigh" which prompts the men's death. Though I am done with falling in love, I wouldn't want to be an outcast where no man wants to associate with me lest the phenomenal death catches up with them.

I thought revenge was sweet. I hadn't counted the cost of the many years of dealing with guilt and shame before I shouted "No, I don't" instead of the expected "yes, I do" on my wedding day. I have had to pay the price of my actions painfully and though friends have advised me to go and seek forgiveness from my then groom - who has since moved on and is happily married - I am still too prideful to admit that my actions were very unfair at least to a fellow human being.

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