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Character of ‘umo’ Clubz

By - | January 25th 2013

By Smitta Smitten

I calcoolated last weekend dat one is never gonna get a clearer character of a club than in the middle of dry January. See, klubs are like human beingz. In December, clubskis get all dressed up and are kickin like a kambuz nit. As a dyin’ kick in the Tenth parliamentski, one pro-Mututho feller sed Umoja (in some places) has more pubs than houses.

Now, I donno why anyone wud want to shikana mkono na Mututhoski. I mean thaz like fallin’ for Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Remember dat creature in the deepski that likes squealing: “Bagginsessss, where is my ... precioussss?” Yup! Mutuths alwez madeses me thinkses of Gollums thru-out his stenure in tha Tenth.

Anywayses, sumtyme oer the weekendski, we rolled down to Umo, n took in one street ‘Moi Drive’ n its pubz (in stark contrast to las’ week wen we circumferenced Mombasa Road. Staki mwana-nchi wewote aseme Smitta ni ka Barbie).

Visa Place was tha place to [email protected], down U1. It is all gravel outside, large inside n sensibly organised. The service was pleasant (in a slithery kinda way) n if yur ole skool n like that big top bar atmosphere, then Visa Place is the place to get a visa to go to.

In facty, I challenge the ex-mpigski Mututhoski to roll down deya to Umo ... n give the joint a try. I’ll buy him two, n then watch him fall off the bar-stool, high-horse n the dry wagon, my precious Mututhoses with the alki-illik neuroseseses (heh heh).

Klub 69 on that one-horse street in U1 waz our next port-o-call for a-l-ko-hol. Now, the numero 69 may bring all sortsa images to yur mind (for an ole innocent like me, it juzz makes me think of the Bryan Adams’ song Summer of 69).

At this klub (esp if yu sit @ the balcony), yu get to see all the babes n baloney goin’ on in the hood. N the ‘olde skool’ zizki on da system ain’t bad!

House of Commonz is across da road 4rm 69 n nexta a bar called Blu Rangers, which we din’t dare venture into — for a rationale d’etat untold. N if yur thinking the MP-igskis’ pub in parliament, yur wronger than Mututhoski.

This House o Commons is the type of bar dat makes yu feel like the year is still 1983 — from the yellow ‘tanye’ table-clothes, to the dulla brown and white wall colours dat mek ya feel like yur inside a brown bottle, to the ‘ne momo’ bar mamsilla (fwendly enuff tho) — the type o ‘momo’ barmaid wakina Whispers used to call Rodas n whom yu thot the gals of Pisces 3D klub made as extinct as volcanoes.

At Home Pub, the lass @ de counter wazn’t an ‘ne momo,’ she’z ok. The krowd there was of semi-violent politico types, the kind who were frothing at the television as nomineshens went on; eyes bulging, none kept screamin ‘unfair bwana’ every tyme an update came in from Siaya County.

Alas! I had only one song for these hood-lums: “...Wale wana-support Chupi-lee, Kamenchu anasema wao ni ngotha-lee, wanapenda Sara Lee, watachapwa na Brucie Lee ...”

Moi Drive Pub waz fifth on the U1 scene, yeah. A real pub wit hio feel ya ghetto, reggae muzik in the air (as well as a faint uri-whiffski), pink lights, psychedelic wall colours, kwang kwang at an over-reasonable rate and Rick Ross murals on da wall. Yaani da kinda joint det makes a mon wanna scream ‘Bombo-klat’ at the top o yur voice (by the way, hio ‘bombo-clat’ ni nini? Mimi huskia tuu!). Instid I got into a most bizarre discussion abt Colditz high skool wit some klutz. N I had ta scatter!

At Hornbill: If yur in Umo n want a proper ‘pulsating’ joint to enjoy yur pint @, then this Hornbill is the place to go. It has proper parkin outside, n one can kunywa njee, ndani, ndani sana (karibu na dee-jay) ama ndani ndani kabisa (huko karibu na choo).

Hornbill in U1 also has some ‘macho asali’ servestresses!

Across the bara-bara, to complit the great January Umo pub hop, we finally churl down at the Pycy place in da neiba-hood — Black Rock.

Blak Rock is de Black Diamond of Eastlando. Past de cool security dudes @ de door, yu enter an agreeable ambience of canvas, wood, lounges n tee-vees (tho I wish de deejay wud listen to more audience requests within his genre, like the Sundae DJ @ Black Diamond does).

Anyway, Black Rock is solid gold 4 all those nuccas who still like some upmarket, downtown.


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