Vipul Doggy Dogg

BY T Mochama

Past

This massive mass of man, fat, beer and muscle was, once-upon-a-time, simply known as "the loudest man on radio."

While cool Solo of Capital is shrill, and Maina Kageni is loud, Edward Kwach was louder — but Vipul Doggy Dogg was the LOUDEST (ok, stop shouting)! As for Musau Ndunda, that Kenya Parents Association, his voice is so squeakily high it reminds the astrologer of many mice being nyongwad with piano wire — or a cat nestled in a sofa that Achieng Abura has sat on.

Vipul Doggy Dogg also earned fame of the greedy kind when he won the Pizza eatin’ competition at Oilibya, Westie, a few years ago, badly beating the likes of Big Ted and company. The ref blew the whistle to start the compe, Vipul burped — and the other contestants found they had nothing to eat.

Present

Vipul Doggy Dogg

Vipul Doggy Dog is now directing the noise of rock and metal at the coolest radio station in town, XFM, on 105.5. And if you don’t tune into it at least once a day, rudi ocha. Anyway, XFM ain’t Vipul’s probbie for the rest of this year — Liverpool will be. You see, Vipul loves the Kop so much that in oh-seven, when they made it to the final of Champion’s League and dreamt of a repeat of Istanbullsh**, 05, Vipul foolish Doggy Dawg bought six bottles of twenty grand champagne, that cost a pretty Sh120 000, total.

Liverpool, of course, lost 2-0 and in a rage, Vipul overturned a table in the house — breaking all the bottles and sending 120 ngwanyes of bubbly a spillin’. After that, he chased our hommie Shaffie Weru (Chelsea maaaaad faaan) out of his hao forlaughingat the Poodles.

Future

Of course Vipul Doggy Dogg will continue crying with Liverpool — not alone, but together with the long suffering fans of the poodles who are like masochists — yaani, wanapenda pain tu sana. It’s been 20 years since the Poodles won the premiership, and next season, without that shetani Cristiano for the Manures, the EPL will gravitate its way back to Stamford Bridge! But at least Doggy Dogg’s team will clear with a bronze, as Man City breaks into the Top Four — leaving Gunners’ fans turning to Vipul, the Doggy Daddy, for advice on ‘When Life has Too Much Pain’— consolation self-help he’ll write for Goons, thanks to his long suffering experience with Liverpool. When Vipul Doggy turns sixty, he’ll realise he can turn his beer-n-pizza belly to advantage and start a motorcycle gang called ‘Liverpool’s Doggie Doggies,’ kind-a like ‘Hell’s Angels’ but with no one takin’ his clowns seriously.