Those same boys who call you sweet names, also praise the side chic's wasp waist
I am not in the habit of giving out free advice to women, but I am feeling charitable today: Girl? Treat the men who hang out with your boyfriend or husband as public enemy number one.
I know the female instinct is to loath the women he hangs out with, because you fear they will one day get drunk and have a romp in the car. Forget it my sister. It is the boys you need to worry about.
Yes, the ones you know he drinks beer and eats choma with, the one he goes for hikes, rides and bush escapades with. Those same ones who love you so much, because they call you “our wife” and shower with hugs and pecks. They are the ones you call when he is mteja or not home at his usual time on Friday. You call Pete because you are 101 per cent sure that he is either with him or at least has an idea where he could be.
Scam those people! Haaa! They’ll give you love. Waah! They’ll pamper you and your kids with presents when they visit. They’ll refer to you as Shemeji. Mulamwa. Aswito. Our wife. Bibi ya Chairman. They will refer to you by all the sweet names in the world to the point of making you a diabetic. Those boys will charm you to death, always complementing your figure, grace, fashion sense, housekeeping skills while wondering what you did or gave to their friend because he became so happy and contented when he “wifed” you. They will jab fingers at his spreading potbelly and roll on the ground with mirth, saying it is all because of your top-notch culinary skills.
Sweetheart, those same boys who call you shemeji also call your husband’s side chick, shemeji! They’ll praise her. Praise her wasp waist, 12 O’Clock boobies and nice, tight bum. If she has issues with your bae, who’s also hers, they’ll be quick to run and sort out because she makes their friend happy. These your in-laws will visit once in a while to have good time with you and the babies on a lazy. You will burn your fingers making 47 chapos for them and go all coy when they exclaim, “Aiiii Mama Jayden, si chapo zako huwa tamu!’’ Orgasmic.
You will go to Marikiti, buy oranges, courgettes, melons, cucumbers, lemons, garlic and get back home with mud all over your boots and sit down on the balcony to prepare the kienyeji veggies, boil and add coconut cream, three litres of milk. To impress Hubby’s friends— because they love you.
Meanwhile, they will be making noise in your house, laughing and hi-fiving each other, their phones on flight mode, while playing abujubuju with your nine-month-old bundle of joy.
And you know why, sweetheart? Because Puritie, your husband’s girlfriend, cannot cook to save her life. When they visit her, they order food and drinks — lots of drinks, because her house is an extension of their local. If she gets pregnant, they will clad in designer African wear, nice haircuts and trim their beards, do facials, buy very nice shoes, designer Cologne and changa money to go to the village to greet her parents with cash and gifts.
So you’ll be told there’s another of their friend’s ruracio they’ll be attending over the weekend, and the good GOAT wife you are will just wish them well. Wakuletee nduma wakirudi. And they will! Imagine these ones will even pay dowry, eat, drink, laugh and assure their new set of in-laws that they will take good care of their daughter.
It is called the Boyz Club. They will never, ever be loyal to you. They are not our friends, mama Jayden. They’re your husband’s. Don’t be fooled by their compliments. In fact, if you knew what they do behind your back, you would poison those idiots without a second thought!