Mr President sir, it is with utmost humility that I entreat you to accept my humble greetings from Kenya.
I do not take it for granted that you are a very busy man engrossed in the onerous task of making America great again. It is therefore understandable, sir, that you may not recall that by location, Kenya is among ‘s***hole’ countries that complicate your already demanding job by exporting their criminals and other undesirables to your country.
It will therefore be in the wider American interests for your government to keep a round-the-clock surveillance on your Kenyan guests for the duration of their stay. At the conclusion of the visit, please personally escort them to the airport to confirm that everyone, including President Uhuru Kenyatta, promptly go back to their ‘s***hole’ homes.
I am reliably informed that among the Kenyan delegation are a few women. With your lovely Melania reportedly travelling the opposite direction to Africa, I know the White House can get very lonely especially for a well-known disciple of the-more-the-merrier doctrine.
But please let history be your friend. You must not forget the misinformed uproar that greeted your innocent confession that you prefer grabbing women by certain parts of their anatomy.
To avoid such a misunderstanding, even in a locker room, sir, keep your short fingers busy on Twitter.
I must salute your unambiguous magnanimity in extending a welcoming hand to our President to the White House. It is rare privilege to a man who shares a nationality with the father of your immediate predecessor whom you rightfully dislike for unfairly inviting comparisons with your regime. Your kind gesture should suffice to shut fake critics struggling to portray you as an unhinged leader obsessed with fighting Obama and crooked Hillary.
But with mid-term elections around the corner and the risk of an idle Obama complicating things for GOP, Kenyatta’s visit is a godsend opportunity to revive the controversy on your predecessor’s nationality. Your advisors should have told you that Kenya is flat broke. Consider dangling an aid carrot in exchange of Kenya taking back its pesky son through a presidential grant of citizenship.
The visit is a timely succour for a beleaguered man. I hope my President will not only commiserate with you at your hour of need, but also encourage you to appreciate that what you’re going through is not as serious as the fake American media wants the world to believe.
Men have always paid women one way or another. Where our President comes from, there would not have been need to bribe for silence on the adventures of two consenting adults. I know your enemies like mocking your small hands. But I have also heard your repeated assurances that there’s no implied problem. Unless yours was a below-average performance, in future, call the bluff on any loud mouth threatening a kiss-and-tell.
As you correctly noted during your campaigns, it is not the President’s job to know everything.
That’s for policy wonks that you have been, just like in the Apprentice, hiring and firing with dizzying frequency. But be on the lookout for journalists working for fake media trying to corner you over your recent comments on South Africa alleged land seizures. Like you, they may not tell the difference between two ‘s***hole’ countries.
Some nosy journalists may ask also why under your leadership, aid to Kenya and other poor countries has dwindled to a trickle. Or why China is upstaging the US as Africa’s biggest trade partner and investor. Or even why you’re dithering on AGOA and fighting Paul Kagame and Rwanda over taxes on mitumba.
You should never tire emphasizing that American money must profit Americans first. Of what gain to an average American citizen, for instance, is fighting mosquitoes and malaria in Kenya? And please let the world know Kagame is a good example of a bad leader. How can he squander donor funds to sponsor Arsenal of all other footaball clubs! Aren’t there enough losers in Kigali?
China can annex Africa for all you should care. That Beijing is finding refuge in some remote, badly governed outposts is testimony to the impact of your America first trade policy. The Yuan is in excess after you wisely locked it out of the US-owned firms buyouts. Small wonder the Chinese are struggling to absorb it in nebulous grants and loans in Africa. That’s not the art of a real deal.
In any case, you can point to your deft take-it-or-leave-it proposed brand new Nairobi-Mombasa highway. I am sure the CIA has brought to your attention the Chinese-sponsored efforts to discredit the project as a white elephant. So what if there already exists another road? Didn’t the Chinese themselves construct the SGR parallel to an existing rail-line!