Dear Ken, I am an ardent reader of your column and I appreciate your work. I have a serious problem. I am addicted to sex! I am married but I can’t help but continue womanising and sleeping around even when I know the consequences. What do I do? Please help.
I envy your courage. When many will be trying to hide and end up being trapped even more, you have decided to come out.However, I need some clarification to help you. When did it start? Can you remember what triggered your desire for sex that later became a habit and now an addiction? Have you been a victim of neglect, humiliation or abuse that has made you see women only as sex objects?
It is only when we understand how it started that we can come up with a treatment plan. Your behaviour will continue and expose you to risks unless we find out what is causing it. Thus, the sooner we deal with it the better.
Sex addiction is just like any other. The more you do it, the more you become addicted. Then you can’t control it. That is why you need help. Hard questions, such as the ones asked above, help you understand where the rains started beating you.
The most important thing you need to do now is be honest with yourself. Self-control is the solution to your problem. You must commit yourself to behaviour change. Imagine your wife has been wounded by your behaviour. You must seek help, which may not be a normal counselling session. You need an addiction specialist. You also need to decide not to harm yourself any more and adopt new behaviour.
I divorced five years ago and I am planning to remarry. I already have another woman in my life and she has a child. We are planning to have more children but I am not sure what will happen to her children and my three children from my first marriage.
I believe you were aware of all these when you agreed to settle down with your current lover. You need some adjustments and that is where I will try to help you.
Understand that you divorced your wife but not your children. You must always be there for your children. They need you even when you still have unresolved issues with their mother. So as you take care of your new family, don’t neglect your children. And when you do this, they will appreciate you more.
Now to your main issue; your step-daughter. Always remember that her father may came looking for her one day, that is, if he is still alive. This is irrespective of the reasons he does not take care of his daughter. How will you handle it? I urge you to contemplate the scenario and prepare for it.
Again, please do not force her to like or love you. It takes time for that to happen. Do not even tell her what to call you. The mother should not also force her to behave in a certain way. Naturally, it takes time for children to adapt to strangers. But the stranger must not be too common or try too hard to please them. Allow her time to get used to you.
You may be eager to get a baby with your current lover. However, I think you should allow yourselves time to bond first. Unless you had her while still with your wife, learn her more. Raise her daughter before introducing a new member into the family. Two years would be enough. A family counselling session is also key.
You may need to have a discussion with her father on how both of you will bring her up. It looks like a lot of work but you need to do it for your sake and theirs too. I wish you the very best.