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Confessions: How do I get over my first real love?

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 I’ve done my best to try and forget him but I can’t (Photo: Shutterstock)

I am 29 years old. I was in a relationship with a man of 31 years. Now, after five years in the relationship (we met in college), he is moving on with another woman. I’ve done my best to try and forget him but I can’t. Please advise me.

Martha

What the readers say:

Did he leave because of something you did or you left him because of something he did? If he left you for another woman then he must have also left another woman for you. So this man must be a womaniser. Why do you want to force yourself on a man no longer interested in you? Relax and take your time to heal. When you are ready to move on, you will find someone else who will love you wholeheartedly. 

Onyango Outha 

If this was your first love, it will be hard to forget him. It seems you fell in love with the wrong guy but, as you can see, the man is not interested in you anymore. The best thing to do is to also move on. Your destiny is not tied to anyone. People leave and life moves on. So many others have exes so you have to accept to have one also. Otherwise, this thing will haunt you for a long time.

Brian Jakababa 

Martha, five years is not short. Having dated this man for long, if he really loved you, he should have brought with it a better package for you. I get the feeling the two of you didn’t agree on what you two wanted out of this. But, as they say, dating for long is not enough to warrant marriage. After dating for a few years, you should have demanded to know where the relationship was headed. He has, however, indicated plainly that you are not meant to be together. Seek love elsewhere as, the way things stand, you have been left alone in the cold. Sorry, but you have to make a decision.  

Ouma Ragumo-Sifuyo

Relationships need progress, such as making it formal by introducing yourselves to both families, having children and so forth. Without progress, people’s minds tend to change. This could be the reason he walked away. Accept the situation as it is, don’t hold grudges but find solace in what you love doing; reading, writing, singing or prayers as a way of coping. It will take time but, eventually, you will move on. Have a positive spirit that good things are yet to come.

Kevin Moen

Boke says: 

Martha, dating gives the individual a chance to approve or disapprove their choice. Your boyfriend has decided not to push through with the relationship and that’s his decision. Accept it. I know this is not what you were expecting but you cannot force it on him. Just know there is still a good and loveable person. 

We are not denying the pain you could be going through, especially looking at how long the relationship lasted. It is also okay to feel like you don’t want to let him go. However, just like other disappointments we face in our careers, businesses and other areas, you have to rise above it. Would you rather get into marriage with someone who does not love you? No! Many of those who have done this, for the fear of heartbreak, hurt even more. 

Allow yourself to heal and move on. I believe this is for your good. You may not have the full picture of this life but do not fight. Take it positively that you can now meet someone who truly loves you. Take time to analyse this past relationship and see what could have gone wrong. See if there are things or areas you would have acted differently. 

Meanwhile, find something to distract you as you go through the healing process. For example, you could join a youth group working within your community to keep yourself engaged. Read books on self improvement and empowerment. Just built yourself up. I would caution you against getting into another relationship now. Remember you are vulnerable.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology  

Simon says:

Martha, it is unfortunate that, after five years in the relationship, things have come to this. There are various reasons a relationship can get here. Some of these could be related to the foundation of the relationship i.e. the situation around how you met and started dating while other factors could have emerged as the relationship progressed. So you may want to reflect on how you met, how the relationship has impacted on both your lives during this period, how much value have you added to his life and how much has he added to yours.

People rank relationships based on the value they identify with and derive from them. Once they are convinced there is little or no value in the relationship then they look to see what the other love brings. Perhaps he did not see value in what you had or maybe he is just looking for something new.

Have you had a chance to talk about this with him? Have you told him you still love him and that you still want to have him and want him to be a part of your life? Have you asked him what you could do to make the relationship better and bring more value into his life? Have you also reflected on the relationship and shared with him what you wish he did more to add value in your life?

You see relationships run both ways and you have to keep evaluating yourself including asking him what he would want to see more of from you. However, in so doing, it is also important to give feedback, appreciation and encouragement to keep him going. He may be moving on with another woman perhaps based on things he found or did not find in you and in the relationship or he may just be suffering from the lack of appreciation for what you had hence prompting him to look elsewhere.

Have a candid talk with him and get to understand his thoughts about your relationship and why he decided to move on with another woman. Understanding this will either help you fix the relationship or it will help you heal and move on.

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor

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