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I’m over the hill and losing my drive, please help

Living

Dear Eve,

l am 53 years old. I have less sex - one round per 2 weeks.

Please help me.

John

Dear John,

Thank you for your question; I know declining sexual function can be a cause for distress. It’s also a good thing that you have taken time to notice it and respond to it by seeking help because it can also be an indicator of underlying problem. My hope is you will read something here today that will help you decide what to do next so that you can get back the sex life you want.

My first recommendation is to visit your family physician. Why? Because for a man of your age, decreased sexual function is a good enough reason to stop and pay attention. I sometimes say that a man’s erection acts as his thermometer because it is attached to many other things. A thorough physical examination is necessary for you because it will check some other key indicators of health and therefore sexual health e.g. heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, cholesterol, kidney and liver function, weight, prostate and more.

When it comes to sexual function and dysfunction, one of the key considerations is a person’s age. Even though we would not necessarily classify a man in his 50s to be ‘old’ when looked at from a hormonal point of view, a man in his 50s is not unlikely to experience declining levels of his hormones. This is yet another reason why my first recommendation is that you see a doctor. Your family doctor will be able to do a full physical and if necessary, make appropriate referrals to any specialists.

Another thing I would like to bring to your attention is the way in which you interact with your body. When we are younger, things happen normally and easily -- just as they should. As we get older, that changes and some of what took no effort at all begins to require a little more effort. John, how do you eat? If I was a fly on the wall of your life, would I see you eating mostly healthy foods or mostly unhealthy foods? How do you live? Do you live a mostly sedentary lifestyle or do you move enough to give your body some exercise? It is important that you prioritise your health.

Aside from our usual concerns with food, namely weight gain, there is something else that can slow you down; slower digestion. If your digestion is sluggish, it will deplete your energy and it stands to reason that you may experience sluggishness in other areas, in and out of bed. What I am trying to say is that you need to help your body help you by increasing your intake of healthier easy-to-digest foods, in addition to engaging in some exercise to improve your general health and well-being so that your body can function more optimally. Even as you plan to see the doctor, this is one step you can begin to address today.

In addition to giving special attention to your body on the food front and health front, I have another recommendation; your mental and psychological health. John, I want you to consider the following questions; what is the state of your current relationship? Are you happy? Is your partner happy? Are there relationship stressors that could be interfering with your sexual function? If you were to think back to the time when you started to experience decreased sexual function, could you also think of what could have been happening in your life at that time? Have you been struggling with one of your children? Has there been a significant life event such as a death of someone that was particularly close to you? Mortality has a way of sitting in our minds and requiring more of us, which can cause any perceived ‘failures’ to come to the forefront of our lives.

While you are considering the negative life events, I invite you to consider any major positive life events that occurred around the time when you noticed a decline in your bedroom activities. Has there been a significant graduation, birth, wedding, promotion, successful business or some other major life event? It’s ironic that positive life events can cause less-than-ideal outcomes e.g. a promotion at work comes with extra responsibilities which can cost you in other areas of your life. If you suspect that this is the issue, and you are unable to disentangle yourself on your own, then please seek out the support that you need from a qualified professional therapist. You would be amazed at what a few sessions can do to your life, in and out of the bedroom.

Dear John, I know this may not be the best situation of your life but I think you can thank your decreased sexual function for holding a beacon in front of you as a guide towards a solution, before things got worse. Why do I say this? Because your sex function is approximately two times per month while studies suggest that, on average, people have sex 3-4 times per month, so as distressing at it is now, it is not as extreme as it could be and there is no reason why it cannot improve. My hope is that with early intervention, you will get your life back to a happier, healthier, more satisfying sex life.

 

 

Maggie Gitu holds an MA in Marriage & Family Therapy. She practices as a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist. Reach her at [email protected] or via her Facebook page: Maggie Gitu

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