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Knowing when to help your lover change for the better

Living

By Joy Carole (www.joycarole.com)

This article has caused me weeks and weeks of writer's block. I couldn't seem to wrap my head around it and know its execution; but fortunately or unfortunately, my light-bulb moment came about as I was clearing up a misunderstanding with my man a few days ago.

I realized that all along I have done the wrong things in attempting to correct and help him change for the better. The ultimatums, long discussions, nagging and constant reprimanding were all from a point of selfishness, since my reasons for doing them were either meant to make me feel better, seem more perfect or did nothing to improve on our relationship.

This got me thinking about how couples are always moving around like greased lightning, busy striving to change something about each other without taking time to reflect on when to do it, whom it will benefit and the effects it will have on the relationship.

To avoid those drawn-out arguments, mull over the following to know when you really are needed to save your partner from looming damnation. Only step in when...

1. Your partner is a danger to him or her self

The minute you realize your partner's behavior is clearly injurious to him or her self, have a talk but not a confrontation. Be genuinely concerned with the effects it will have on them and stay away from making yourself or your relationship the subject.

Making them see reality as it is, is good enough to help them understand what they are putting themselves into. If they don't get the point, don't turn it into a fight because when you do, you will lose the essence of having the conversation thereby not helping them.

2. He or she loses focus

Speak up when your partner loses sight of what they're supposed to do to achieve personal or relationship goals. This doesn't mean accosting them with guns blazing.

 Occasionally, people lose focus of what is important and the only way to help them is to remind them of what they are supposed to be doing to the get what they want; and your partner is not different.

Make them think of the desire they once had and even what they've done so far to achieve it. Instead of painting him or her as a failure; and magnifying the obstacle on their way, uplift them. Be the light. Hold their hand and show them the way. Give them a reason to go after the change to get back on track.

3. They stop dealing with their responsibilities

Help your partner change the instant he or she stops taking care of their responsibilities which do not necessarily have to be about you. Remember, helping them is not about how you want them to change; rather it's about pointing out something they're meant to do even with you out of the picture. Responsibilities are there to be taken care of; and if he or she willingly took on that path, it's only logical they see to it they're handled.

4. You or their loved ones are evidently being hurt

Your well-being is vital in making the relationship functional. The second your partner's behavior is negatively affecting you or the people they love, keep your emotions in check and talk to him or her about it.

Stay clearheaded and address that one issue. Do not let it turn into a platform for solving all your problems because you won't.

A person who knows your welfare is important will take heed. However, if they don't, you probably need to go back to the drawing board because you cannot be with someone who keeps on hurting you and doesn't think that is a reason to stop.

Any time you want to help your partner change, make sure it's about them and not you, what you feel, expect or want. Learn to stop putting your interests before theirs because that is the right thing to do especially if you're not in peril.

Pick your points of change wisely. Be sincere in making them understand what is good for them but do not force them to do it. Forcing them to be who they don't understand or don't want to be will create unneeded friction as they will fight it; something you will naturally do if you're in the same situation.

Never forget that there are things you can and cannot change. Help them change what you can and leave what is impossible so long as you're not at risk. Sometimes you are not the only one meant to help your partner change. There are other things like society, experiences, God and even him or her self.

Otherwise, if your reasons for wanting him or her to change are none of the above, stop putting yourself and your partner through unnecessary arguments and pressure. Shift your focus, time and energy to improving on yourself. I'm sure you are not perfect and have some tweaking to do for a better self and relationship.

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