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Girl code: Love lied to me, you can’t change a man

Girl Talk
 I had braced myself for a bumpy ride when I got into this relationship (Photo: Shutterstock)

Back in my 20s when I was still all over trying to figure out what love was, I had convinced my poor self that I had the power to change a man. I believed I could fall in love with a man and later on change his ways to fit requirements of my dream man.

When I was fresh in college, love was an exciting thing. I was ready to be that role model my Mama raised by tackling issues head on. I remember falling in love with a young man. This young man who hit on me was all a woman could wish for -- until he tasted alcohol!

I will never forget the embarrassment he put me through on several occasions. But I stuck with him after convincing myself deep down in my heart that I would do all I could to change him. He had been written off by most of his friends. The same friends who took him drinking.

One Valentine’s Day, I woke up upbeat ready to face the day. I had hoped he would buy me roses and chocolates and even take me out for a romantic dinner. That year was one of those blessed years when this day falls on a weekend. I was quite an idle student on campus on weekends and so I woke up early, dressed up and went to sit next to the window waiting to see if my man would show up. Let’s just say I waited till I fell asleep that night with no sight of him.

Sometime in the wee hours of the night, I heard a commotion near the hostels and so I quickly woke up to be a witness of whatever it was. Students were already out of their rooms standing along the hostel corridors laughing at a male figure staggering and yelling at the top of his voice. At first, I almost joined in the laughter but then I recognised the stagger. This was 'my man'!

He was not only drunk but was equally covered in mud, meaning he had spent the better part of his walk to the hostel swimming in mud. In his hand was a withered flower that he had plucked from some tree. His face was nothing to write home about as he had been stung by bees that evening. At least that’s what I heard from his friends later the next day. When they had gone drinking, the alcohol in him lied to him that he could jump and grab a beehive from a tree. Only his friends saved him from death by bee stings! Still, he went on drinking with hills and valleys created on his poor face by the bees.

So here he was that night with a rugged face, red hot eyes, lack of balance and a voice hoarse enough to collapse one’s ear drums.

My experience that night was enough to show me that not even love could change a man. I swear I had braced myself for a bumpy ride when I got into this relationship and I had vowed to make him stop drinking but it was like I made him drink even more.

I swore to myself I would never date a man with flaws thinking that I could ‘kill’ those flaws. If I fall in love with you, I will embrace all the flaws in you. If you decide to change, well and good, if not, we shall learn to live together.

Later on though when I was old enough, I fell in love with a workaholic, and again, I convinced myself that I would change. Big mistake! Love can make you do silly things, like going against your own principles. This man never even joked in the house. It’s like he always carried his whole office back into the house. I could not even dance before him when good music was playing. He would send me away claiming I was ‘annoying’!

One day I tried doing the romantic ‘pillow fight’ with him, he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Don’t ever play with me”. He was always on his machine working. He would even tell me to switch off the TV so that he could work. I walked away the day I realised I didn't have and would never have the power to change a man. A man only changes when he wants to, not when you want him to.

I am now here thinking of how I can change all these men who approach me lately to my dream men. We just never learn, do we? Heartbreak loading. 

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