I am in second year studying for a Diploma in IT and I have this man (52) who is paying for my college fees and gives me pocket money. We have been in this relationship for 3 years and I am 4 months pregnant for him. He is from my village and I know his family very well. My parents cannot afford to pay my fees and I did not want to be a burden to them since I am the first born in a family of six girls. I also have a boyfriend from the village whose main mission at present is to make me his wife. With this man’s money I am able to support my parents and have even repaired our house which was falling apart. I love my boyfriend but we have not been intimate for like four months. I am now confused about this because the pregnancy is starting to show. I don’t think this man wants to marry me but also I don’t know how my boyfriend will take this. Please advise me...
What the readers say:
Jeanette, you are the first born, you need money and as a woman, you have many financial needs. However, a pregnancy can bring complications to any relationship. Focus on your education and everything else will come at its appointed time. The child is a gift from God so don’t even think about abortion.
If you really wanted to study, you should have taken better of yourself. Keep the baby and don’t waste any more time. Tell your boyfriend about the pregnancy and quit that relationship with that other man. One thing is for sure, he won’t leave his wife for you, but I hope he will take care of his baby.
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You bit more than you could chew so it is high time you swallowed your pride and lived with it. You went to bed with that man. Have his child and don't ever think of saying the child belongs to your boyfriend. Live a sincere life.
It’s funny how you have realized only now that he is older, in fact, much older than you. When he was paying your fees, he was not. Choices have consequences and you have to face them. You should have used contraceptives.
Your boyfriend will react the same way you would react if you discovered that he has been cheating on you all along and that he is expecting a baby with someone else. Remember the phrase, choices have consequences.
You wanted someone to pay your school fees and ease your parents’ burden and the old man has faithfully done that in exchange of ‘moments of pleasure.’ I do not see what is confusing you. The old man may not marry you but am sure he will support his child. This is the discussion you should be having with him. Otherwise the deception you want to advance will still catch up with you. The repercussions later in life could be more destructive than they would be now.
Since pregnancy cannot be concealed for long, I suggest you tell your boyfriend the truth and hopefully he can understand and forgive you. Chances are that he will not. Which you cannot blame him for. Then come up with what will work for you and the father of your child.
Are you aware that some of your mates took up odd jobs to see themselves through college? And some will be starting off life with hefty loan interests from HELB? But you did not want any of those. Sorry that this might puncture you reputation back in the village however you did not sow honour.
Take this as a learning experience. Cry over it if you need to but carry the lessons with you. Everyone has a decision or two they wish they could make differently. The easy road is not always easy as we are made to believe. There is always a cost to everything.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationships
Jeanette, for that situation you are in, you will need to act very fast to make things right. This will involve looking at the facts of the matter and making the right choices based on the kind of life you want to live. On one hand you are pregnant of a man who while he has all good intentions for you but will never be a suitable husband for you while on the other, you have a loving and caring boyfriend who has even shown some good signs about his intentions and plans for you. By all means the older man is good for you being that he is paying your college fees and gives you the money you need but that is just as far as it is ever going to go.
You will need to decide and move fast to salvage this situation and there are two things you will have to do to make it right. One, you have to talk to your “sponsor” and tell him everything. The aim with this will be to get him to accept and allow you to carry on with your other boyfriend but to secure his moral and continued financial support until you complete your studies and probably for him to help you settle down in life. You will then have to do the other critical thing which is to disclose your current status to your boyfriend and see if he will still be interested in making you his wife. You will need to be careful with what you tell him since you will have to put your case forward and stick with your story.
Through all this, you will be making a decision that is good for you in the first instance but also good for everybody that is involved with this. If you manage to complete your studies then this will be a good achievement and if luck smiles your way then you will end up getting married to the young gentleman and with God’s blessing you will raise a happy family together. The senior man should also be happy to see you compete your studies and start a family of your own and since he cannot do this for you, he ought to support you in every way possible to see you achieve your dreams even if it means sacrificing his happiness and joy for you – after all what is will always be regardless of where it is.
Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor
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