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Sexual healing: When small issues become big ones

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Dear Eve,

I am 29 years old. I love my fiancé very much but I don’t enjoy sex with him. We have been dating for five years only because I keep stalling whenever he initiates wedding preparations.

The main problem is that his penis is too small so I don’t feel anything while we make love. Three of his former girlfriends cheated on him, therefore, he is too protective of me.

I fear that we may end up like brother and sister once we are married with no passion for one another. I have been tempted to cheat on him several times which makes me realise that I may be unfaithful to him in future.

I love him but I have my doubts about stability of a marriage in which the sex is bad. Please advise me.

Sandra

Dear Sandra,

ALSO READ: Sexual Healing: What to expect from a sex therapist

Thank you for your question and for your honesty. It is true that nothing can be solved until it is acknowledged. My first thought after reading your question was that neither you nor him are existing in truth. You are both being disingenuous with one another and that has probably compounded your situation. Let us try to separate issues.

At 29, you are wise and self-aware enough to know where the future challenges lie and that can only help you. In the same breath, you have a right to want and seek sexual satisfaction.

It is what it is

Here is the reality; we get the bodies that we get, and then we have to work with what we’ve got. In his case, the size of his penis is just how his body was created. It isn’t as if he can take a pill or do some exercise to increase it’s size in length or girth.

I know this is bluntly stated but since you have spent five years playing hide and seek with reality, I feel it is not just necessary but critical for you to face the facts. The bottom line here is this: do you want to be married to him and explore different ways to have a satisfying sex life together OR do you want to be with someone who has a bigger penis?

Neither answer is right or wrong; you just need to know that you can and must choose the life that you want. Why? Well, first of all, there’s only so many years of delaying marriage left in both of you. If you want to be married, then it is in your best interest to choose ye this day whom ye shall love, isn’t it?

ALSO READ: Sexual Healing: Just like the weather, sex has its seasons

Another consideration – and hardly a minor one – is his own life and dignity in that life. It is grossly unfair and unkind to string him along if you’re unwilling to be committed to him and your life together. To put it another way, you are allowed to love and want who you want to love and want but you are not allowed to string him along with the hope of a future if you know that there is none.

Don’t be mean

If you do choose to end the relationship, yes it is bound to hurt him and it may even hurt you too especially because you say that you love him. However, the pain of rejection and heartbreak is a lot more dignifying than the pain of being played for a fool, I would imagine. Your intention may not be to hurt or humiliate him but if you continue in this way, that is exactly what will happen.

Seek help

I do want to make something else clear; while it is unfortunate that he has been cheated on three times in the past, it does not make you responsible or obligated to stay with him out of pity, and neither does it give him the right to become possessive.

If he was the one who wrote me about this, I would say this as clearly as possible because possessiveness is a risk factor for other behaviors that are hardly helpful in a relationship e.g. physical/emotional/financial/sexual/other violence.

Love is a gift and a choice to be given and shared freely, not to be forced and manipulated out of fear of being alone. One other reason why this concerns me is that it implies that neither of your boundaries are as healthy as they could/should be.

I encourage you to seek the support of a couple’s therapist so that you can start or end this relationship in a healthier way than you have been managing it for five years.

Now, assuming that you decide to give it a go with him, let’s talk about the sex. While size does matter to some people more than to others, sex is possible with all shapes and sizes of penises and vaginas. It may require some experimenting and may feel limiting in terms of certain positions feeling less accessible but it also allows for all kinds of opportunities of fun and connection.

A variation of the missionary position, for example, is always a good place to start. Sexual intercourse that focuses on clitoral stimulation is also your friend. Since I know neither you nor him, I will suggest that you head over to Google and search for more ideas. Look at them, study them and get some ideas. The one challenge you may face is that all those positions require honesty and a sense of adventure, neither of which is possible if you’re unable to be honest with one another.

Do you see why I am insistent upon you both standing and living in the truth of the matter? One last thing; sex-related conversations can be sensitive so be mindful about how you approach them. As a general rule, have them with clothes on, preferably outside of the bed/room and even more preferably while you’re side-by-side e.g. while walking, instead of face-to-face.

You have some decisions to make but fear not; start with the ‘what’ i.e. what do you need in order to feel happy and satisfied in this relationship, in and out of bed and then worry about the ‘how’ i.e. how can I communicate my wants and needs in a way that is honest, kind and considerate?

Again, consider seeing a couple’s therapist together or apart. Whatever you decide, I hope you’ll honour yours and his dignity and your own right to choose. I wish you a happier, more satisfying sex life.

 

 

Maggie Gitu is a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist (MAMFT) and can be reached at [email protected] or at @MaggieTheTherapist on Instagram

The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Evewoman.co.ke

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