Film lie: You go on a date to a restaurant he has booked. You then go to the cinema and joyfully look up at the screen, one of his arms around your shoulders, fairly sharing one big tub of popcorn.
Life truth: You spend two hours discussing what to eat/where to go to eat. ‘No, you decide. No, anywhere is fine. No, not there. Well, I meant anywhere but there. No, you decide, OK, but not there either.’ You spend a further two hours deciding what to watch on Netflix, while each scarfing your own snacks until you both get snippy, give up and go to bed.
Film lie: You wake up, hair lightly tousled, but otherwise perfectly beautiful and fragrant. You stretch and snuggle into the pillow, deliciously. He kisses you full on the lips.
Life truth: You wake up with pineapple hair, your breath smells like a rhinoceros cage. Your cheek is creased by the pillow. He goes to kiss you on the lips and recoils in horror.
Film lie: You wake up at his house, and slip on his crisp, white shirt to make coffee. It is hugely baggy on you and you look so cute because it just skims your perfect bum cheeks as you reach up to the top cabinets. He comes up behind you as you make coffee and gently places his arms around your waist and kisses your neck.
Life truth: You wear one of his stinky-under-the-pits T-shirts. It is tight, especially around the hips, because, well, lady hips. This makes it ride up and your saggy-knickered bum is fully hanging out. He still comes up behind you and grinds against you. You carry on making the coffee with him clinging onto you like a sloth.
Film lie: One of you steps into the room and says, ‘Something smells nice, what are you making?’
Life truth: One of you steps into the room and says, ‘Oh my God, what’s that smell? Was that you?’
Film lie: You spend hours sitting on the car bonnet on a hilltop, watching the sunset and discussing your hopes, dreams, fears, desires.
Life truth: You sit on opposite ends of the sofa, occasionally shoving your phone in each other’s faces, saying, ‘Look at this, LOL’, and snorting loudly through your nose.
So, now you know the ugly truth. Have a romantic week.
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