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I am 32, I am a mother of three and I have been a widowed for about six years. I have always wanted to remarry but getting a man who really understands my situation is not easy. It has now reached a time when I really need a man to love me and take care of me.
My needs have increased both socially and emotionally to the point that I can no longer control myself. I want a genuine loving and caring man. Please advise me on the best way to go about this, I think I am aging and hope to get engaged as soon as possible.
What the Readers Say
Irene, panic at your own peril. There are widowers who may be looking for similar unions but you have to be patient. Dating agencies and platforms may give you the ropes but be very conscious of what you are looking for. Similarly, marriage is not a life and death situation so consider the well-being of your kids, your safety and your space before thinking about you needs and wants.
I know it has not been easy for you looking after those children and anyone would understand that you have social and emotional needs that need to be met. I encourage you to start your search by involving yourself in widow grouping in the church, work place, area you are living, rural home and in the work place. You can recover from this and live a normal life. In time you will find a partner with home you can and may form a family. Try and look for a widower from your tribe or through your close friends but remember that your children will become their children once you make them your husband.
Open your eyes Irene and focus on finding a solution to your problem. I am sure there is a man in your vicinity, workplace, area or community. Go out to church, social places and search even through family members and you will find someone. Keep an open mind and pray.
They say that there is someone for everyone but one has to be very careful in their search for the right person. You are indeed still relatively young and still have a bright future ahead. Nobody knows what this future will look like but you can shape it.
We must also agree that the conditions are not really perfect and that it may require careful planning and an open mind as you venture into this search. Once we agree on several issues, this will put you on the right track towards getting what you are longing to have which is a man and probably a complete family.
Before I share the things we need to agree on we need to quickly look at the facts. You are 32, are widowed, have 3 children and are looking for a man. These may not be the optimal conditions for a woman seeking a man and they most certainly do not fit the description of the woman every man is looking for.
This therefore means that you would need a man who is mature enough to understand and accept you and your situation as it is. Such men are generally rare and hard to find but they also have a certain profile.
A man who is likely to understand and accept such a situation is most likely one that is mature i.e. slightly advanced in age and more so a man who is somewhat sailing in the same boat. By this I mean a mature man who is also single and searching mostly a widower or as a result of divorce.
The ideal man for you is one what may have had another family and who probably has children and therefore he would be bringing them for you to provide a mother figure to them while he also provides a father figure to your children.
I say this because the ideal young, chubby and single men will always feel as if they are doing you a big favour by being with you. They are likely to use you in many other ways, often giving you hope but will drop you like bad trash when they are through with you.
This means then that you have to keep your eyes open and ears on the ground to identify men that fit the profile as described above. The most suitable relationship for you is one of “you scratch my back and I scratch yours” then everyone would have a reason to hang on and not look down on the other.
These men are there but be in the know that such men are rare and often have too many women after them. You must therefore exhibit good character and standing in society to catch their eye and heart. This will require patience on your part but it will eventually pay off.
Simon is a relationships counsellor who helps couples face the hard truth towards finding reasonable solutions for their problems.
The need to be loved and receive affection is a universal one. So what you are feeling is normal. What is not okay, is the sense of urgency you're putting to it.
Let's agree on one or two things; at 32 years you're not old that you should be feeling like time is running out. Secondly, as a mother, you have the children to take into account as you move into another relationship.
We all at all times would love to have our needs met almost immediately but the instant coffee, instant tea phenomena cannot apply in all situations, talk less in relationships. The sense of urgency your need is giving you will only put undue pressure on you.
This pressure could be from without or within. It is easier to deal with the external one that presents itself as societal pressure as compared to the self induced one.
Pressure has a way of clouding our judgement. When under pressure, you may not be objective and analytical enough. Before you know it you will be in a mix too complex to comprehend.
Take your time. You're better off alone with your peace of mind intact as opposed to being in a relationship for its own sake. Think of ways to develop yourself and distract yourself for a while. Then gradually and intentionally work at developing meaningful relationships. And as you invest your personality in others you will reap quality relationships.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of love and marriage.
Next week’s question
I recently got married after two years of dating but there is one thing that is bothering me. My husband wants me to include his name as one of my official names in my ID and any subsequent major documents. However, many people have been discouraging this practice because these days marriages don’t last and therefore women don’t want to be tied down to the man if things don’t work out.
My husband is committed to this marriage and has shown this by starting the process of including me in all his properties and even allocated a good percentage of shares in his company to me. I am however worried that should things fail to work out, it will be a hard thing living with his name in my documents and maybe I may not get another man to marry me if I still have my ex-husbands name. With the current changing times and with what marriage has become, should I take such a great risk with my life and include his name in documents that I will always use with or without him in my life?
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