The bad habits of uptown wannabes

My colleague Cate Mukei left for Sweden a couple of months back. Her problem with Swedish wannabes seems to be that, even on long train trips, they plug into earphones and avoid making eye contact – lest they accidentally make a friend of a stranger. Cate doesn’t like that they dress mostly in black, white – or pink (what is this, an Abba album)?

Or that they seem to love their dogs, go with them everywhere, and if you begin to guzzle alcohol, the Swedish pet owner will say ‘my dog, it hates alcoholics.’

Of course the Swedes gave us the pop group Aqua, once, which has unforgettable – and unforgivable lyrics like ‘I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World, life in Plastic, it’s Fantastic’ (and because all wannabes live plastic lives, then I suppose this could be like their theme song).

Anyway, Mukei’s seven yahoos: Urban Nairobi wannabes who listen to music no one has heard. Or heard of. This is where you find someone earnestly telling you about ‘afro fusion’ or especially ‘neosoul.’ Why do you have to go and listen to that? What is ‘neosoul’ anyway? The first time I heard the term, I thought it was Keanu Reeves when he gets an ‘out of body’ experience in the original Matrix film. (Clap for yourself, also, if you have spotted the reference. It probably means, too, that you listen to ‘Afro Fusion.’). Do not be abnormal. Stick to (rock on XFM) or rhumba on ‘Radio Maisha.’

Create and attend Strange Meet-ups in Nairobi – preferably the Kilimani area

Social media, and especially technology like WhatsApp, has given a lot of leeway to the urban ‘middle class’ idler. So that instead of creating social content that is meaningful (a la Adipo Sidang’s ‘Parliament of Owls’ poetry theater show flying in at KNT on Saturday from two thirty pm), Cate says you find a ‘Skirt and Suit’ meet up by these wannabes.

They especially love venues like ‘coffee houses’ where people are served café lattes and other funny sounding things with exotic names in tiny cups that cost a bomb (I loathe café places, but if I do go, I always order the ‘Mocha’, just so I can tell the steward/ess it was named after my late grand dad ‘Mochama’ by the Brits who loved the kahawa he made them in Burma during World War II). Mocha, pricy! Their expressions – priceless.

Using an Uber because you cannot afford a car

And you are too famous on ‘social media’ to be seen in a ma-three (unless of course it is at night, when you can sneak in). These are the petty issues that occupy the mind of these urban-lite wannabes. And it can even extend to their drink selection in club lounges on Ngong road.

An accent no one can place

But this accent is always from the Western side of the northern hemisphere (for you can be sure Mukei will not return with a Swedish twang, however long she stays ‘majuu,’ simply because Scandinavian accents are weird and funny. Like chewing through a piece of wood with your bare teeth, while holding your nose). The way these wannabes ‘weng,’ you’d think they just escaped from that fire in the London tower, or a cop trying to shoot them in the ‘south side, Chicago.’ You remember the ‘Bring Zack Back Home’ campaign? We’re asking Trump (and Tusker) to deport these wannabes back to the real south side – Africa.

They own several pieces of kitenge

They have kitenges for that Saturday afternoon wedding reception, and a kitenge for the ‘Blankets & Wines’ on Sunday, and a kitenge for that ‘Spoken Word mixed with Jazz’ event at an uptown joint on Tuesday, and a kitenge for #TBT (Throw Back Thursday) to pose and post on FB with the message – ‘remember when we were African kings and queens in the Kingdom of Kush?’

And you want to write back on their wannabe page:’Whaaaattt? That’s some seriously bad kush you are smoking, amigo. Is it from Mexico?’ (Coz that maize from the land of tequila they brought us makes ugali taste like it is flavoured with sawdust, signors).

They also use words like ‘squad,’mates, BFFs and Bae – thus making the rest of us look bad

And what’s with saying ‘our General Election will be held in the fall’ instead of just saying ‘on August 8th’? Look at your life! The only thing that has fallen is you, false African.